i am scared of people.
they alone seem to have the capacity
to make me feel.
to laugh and cry and— whatever else
there is to life.
i'm scared of feeling.
because i never want to feel
like that again.
maybe that's what i'm scared of.
i'm not sure.
i don't want to be defined
by other people, or their actions,
or their words towards or about me
(or their lack of them, sometimes).
but it seems like it's in my nature,
and i hate it.
maybe that's why i avoid my phone,
shove it away in a drawer
and pretend to forget;
all the people, all the little icons
and profile pictures and words
typed on a screen by steady fingers
(not trembling like my own),
who seem to hold so much power over me.
i've learnt from my mistakes,
and it's when i talk to people
and give myself to them
that i get hurt.
because inevitably, i care more about them
than they ever will about me.
it shouldn't hurt me, it's not logical.
it doesn't actually affect me.
but it does. i don't know why.
i don't know if i'll ever find someone
who truly does care.
at least, as much as i do.
it doesn't feel like it.
i don't what's wrong with me, why people
find me so unnecessary, replaceable, annoying;
insert any synonym for not good enough.
i've tried to fix it, to fix myself, but now
i've been so many different people
that i don't know who i am anymore.
and now i have to stop my tears from spilling
onto the screen, as just for once
i don't pretend not to care.
i know i have people that care about me, but
no one that cares enough.
i am no one's number one.
not even my own.
and i think that hurts more than anything.
