Accidentally on Purpose

Chapter Forty-Five

"So you give up every chance you get

Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency..."

My eyes slowly slid open, but I stayed where I was lying. I took a glance at my alarm clock to see that it was five a.m., and the song kept blasting in full volume. I was surprised Daisy hadn't cried yet all night—or maybe she did, but her cries got drowned in the songs I'd been playing. Only hell knew.

"And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is..."

I sighed, not trying to get myself off the bed. I should be getting ready for school—it was Monday which meant that it was the first day of school since Daniel re-spread the fake nudes, and I had a lot of mental preparation to do.

But I just couldn't give a shit.

"So are you listening?
So are you watching me?"

A soft sound of purring right next to my hip made me sit up slowly. The kitten meowed a little in his sleep as I shifted, and I smiled when he slowly opened up his small eyes, blinking for a while as his eyes adjusted the morning light. When he spotted me, he meowed and yawned at the same time, and I chuckled.

"Good morning, Little Ant," I greeted the little kitten with the name I'd given him yesterday, rubbing his forehead as he purred again, slowly falling back to sleep.

"Well I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
That no one cares to talk about it..."

I finally willed myself to get up, rubbing my temples as I made my way toward the CD player on my desk. I sat down on the chair and propped my elbows on the table, putting the weight of my head on my palms as I let the loud, rock song wake me up.

"'Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive..."

I reached out and turned off the music after taking a deep breath and throwing my head backwards for a while. The CD case on my desk was glaring at me once I sat up straight, and I glared right back until the same, painful jolt in my chest that I'd been feeling for two days now made all the fight in me die.

I shook my head and stood up to get ready for school. I took my time in the shower, letting the warm, heated water wash the sleep away. I picked out thick, warm clothes since the weather was slowly getting worse, and quickly dressed Daisy up as well. I sniffled a bit as I felt snot clogging up my nose, wishing for the constant throbbing in my head to go away.

The cold that I had was slowly going away, thankfully. I literally had spent the last two days coughing and sneezing and groaning as I rolled around in my bed. Jonah got sick too, but apparently he had a better immune system than I did that he only sneezed once or twice a day while I was wheezing like I was on my death bed. But like I said, I was feeling much better today.

I let the door open slightly in case Ant woke up and wanted to run downstairs, and walked out in lazy, dragged-out steps with Daisy in my arms. I put her down in her baby chair and plopped myself into one of the dining chairs, immediately holding my heavy head in my hands. My dad and little brother were just walking out of the dining room when I got in, already finished with their breakfast while I just started with mine, accompanied by Mom who was still halfway through her meal.

I slowly munched on my grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich, feeling the food stale on my tongue. Everything I ate since yesterday felt stale on my tongue anyway, so I kept eating because I knew the fault was not in my mom's cooking.