Dying to Live

Chapter 7

⏳ ZOE, March 

  

It was the longest night shift of my life.

I tried not to think about Adam too much throughout the night so that I could focus on my other patients and not completely mess up at my job. It didn't work that well for me because every once in a while there was a lull in all of the activity and every single time, without fail, my mind just automatically went there, to him.

There was no point in running circles around the truth. Adam was really sick. He had an incredibly aggressive form of cancer and the surgery yesterday was only a temporary fix, if it could even be considered that. I read his chart numerous times already and Dr. Campbell wasn't wrong when he said Adam didn't have a shot. The tumors would start to grow again – maybe they already had. They were going to invade his entire body within a very short amount of time.

Every fibre of my being was telling me to run away in the opposite direction and never look back. I thought about my dad and how his cancer completely obliterated the man he once was, reducing him to skin and bones. He didn't even remember who I was during his final days.

I couldn't run though, at least not tonight anyway. Adam was my patient and I had to check on him every four hours. I was a nurse. It was my job. I couldn't let my personal feelings get in the way of that.

At least he was asleep every time, which made it a bit more bearable.

Thanks a lot Jackie.

The sky was finally beginning to lighten when I started on my final rounds and I deliberately kept Adam for last. The muscles in my lower back were beginning to throb and my feet were begging me to sit down for just a few minutes. I was so glad I only had an hour left to go instead of thirteen. Jackie was taking my shift today in pediatrics so that I could go home and sleep. It wouldn't have been my first time pulling a double though, and I could've probably gotten somebody to cover me for an hour while I took a nap later in the afternoon, but the fact that I didn't have to was a small blessing and I was going to take it.

The only downside was that working all day would've probably helped me keep my mind off things. Now I had to go home and actually wallow.

It was about fifteen minutes before shift change when I arrived at Adam's hospital room door. I took a deep breath, pushed it open and walked inside. I didn't expect him to be awake so I was a little unprepared to find him staring back at me.

"Hi," I said, putting on a smile and closing the distance between myself and his bedside.

He shifted his weight a little in bed and groaned painfully. "Morning," he greeted me groggily and my mind immediately went back to that morning we woke up together in my bed. I thought the only thing wrong with him then was a slight case of the hangover. I couldn't believe that was only a month ago.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him as I began to check his vitals, the drainage tube, the bandages. I knew what I was doing. I was distancing myself from the situation. I was speaking to him like I was only his nurse and I didn't know him personally. Could he tell?

"I feel rough," he admitted.

"You did just have major surgery 20 hours ago," I told him pointedly as my fingers found his pulse and my gaze went to the watch around my wrist. "Everything looks good. Somebody will be back later to redress your wound. Breakfast is gonna be in a little bit too so you can start thinking of what you might wanna eat." Oh yeah, I was totally distancing myself from the patient now. Garza would be so proud of me.