Secret at the Knolls (a demi lovato/timberline knolls fanfic)

Chapter 11 Demi Boy Bands and Betrayal

Beloved Reader: TRIGGER WARNING: mature content, cursing, self harm and sexual themes present. You are more information than this story so if you are struggling please please do not read this. Reach out! Message me here or on Kik (username ghdcanada) or talk to an adult you trust. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are enough. Much love, LA

Chapter 11

Demi

The thoughts were so loud in my head as I boarded the plane for Peru with the tour. 

YOU FAT DISGUSTING UGLY GIRL. YOU ARE SO STUPID.

They were bouncing around my head like the little silver balls in pinball games. Alex, one of the dancers goes by me and hits my shoulder roughly. Dammit I have cuts on that shoulder, scared they will come open I put on my hoodie. No one will be suspicious, the flights get cold. I go by Joe who is texting on his phone. Probably texting HER, the golden girl he left me for.

WHO WANTS TO DATE YOU?

I plop into my seat. I know I should be grateful for touring with the Jonas Brothers but I am just so tired and tired of this happy happy all the time bullshit. The pressure of the press and always being nice to fans even if they interupt my dinner or last night when that girl bombarded me in the bathroom of all places! Having to have a bodyguard everywhere you go (I guess they need to come in the bathroom with me now) and the hatemail I've gotten because I am dating Joe. Was dating Joe I correct in my inner dialogue. I bring my hand up to my face and lean on the side of the arm rest. My bracelets slide down my arm, I'm so glad I have my hoodie on so no one can see the cuts on the side of my wrist. 

I jolt awake, my manager puts his hand on my shoulder.

"You ok Demi?" He asks, concern painting his face "you conked out before we even heard the boring but obligatory speach about safety. There are snacks and subs and refreshments if you want something.

Hell no, I don't want anything to eat but I haven't eaten in a few days and I know some people have been concerned about my eating but I've always pawned it off as not feeling well, or food poisoning.

"can you get some for me? and a diet coke?" I ask Richard, giving him my puppydog face. The same puppydog face I used to convince my Mom to let me to audition for Barney.

"sure kiddo" He chuckles and trots away. 

My head is KILLING me!! I reach my hand into my pocket and feel the little plastic bag of powdered reasurance. I love being a popstar, straight onto the flight, private plane, sneaking coke on is easy. It makes the voices leave me alone for a bit.

"There you go kiddo" Richard plops a giant plate of food on my lap. A full sub, chips, some tortilla chips and guacamole and a regular coke. a regular coke? really? no way I'm putting 120 liquid calories in my body!!

"Sorry girl, they didn't have any diet coke left." He says, giving me an exaggerated puppy dog face that I laugh at. I laugh because I know I have to. 

I dig into my food. I am going to eat it and smile and 5 or 10 minutes later I will go to the bathroom and get rid of it. One great thing about purging on planes is they are so noisy, I don't need to find a bathroom away from others. That really isn't an option on a plane.

I watch Richard's head dip lower and lower until he's asleep. The guy could sleep anywhere! 

I unbuckle my belt (someone must have buckled it when I was asleep, creepy) and head to the bathroom. I have to pass Alex, who I thought was my friend until I heard she was talking smack about me behind my back. Then Joe, who's sleeping, his baby face squished against the window. Oh Joe. I slip into the bathroom, lock the door and lean against the cool metal of the door. I have to say, private planes have a much bigger bathroom. 

I get the the toilet and lean in as if telling it a secret like all the girls in my school used to talk poisoned secrets in each othered ears as I walked by in the hall. I throw up until all I get is bile and blood. The voices are so loud, it's deafening in the silence.

I pull out a small tin box from my jeans pocket, opening it to reveal a razor blade, mirror,  alcohol swabs and bandaids. I let out a moan of relief as my blood is the paint and my brush is the razor in my shaking hands. After painting 3 evenly spaced cuts, cleaning them with the alcohol which stung delightfully and bandageing them with skin coloured bandaids. I was hoping it would turn down the voices but they are still there singsonging in my head.

I hate you.

You love me.

You're a fat loser named Demi

QUIT IT! I yell not sure if I've spoken aloud or not.

"Demi, are you ok in there?" calls Alex in her too sweet voice. As soon as we land, i am firing her ass. 

"Yeah I'm fine" I holler back trying to hide the quiver in my voice "just washing my face!"

"OK hun!" she chirps, she has betrayed me but pretends that everything is fine.

I wipe off the blade and pull out the little plastic baggy of white powder. Cutting stopped the voices for a while, it stopped the uncontrollable mood swings I have from spending so much time on the road and not having a proper sleep schedule. Now the white powder I pour onto the mirror from my kit and use the razor to make a clean line that looks like snow and grab the pen from my bag and spill the guts of it out on the floor and take the case, put it up to my nose and breath in sanity.

I lay down on the floor for a minute and let the calm spread through me, but it doesn't. I'm jittery. Angry. 

I can't stay in here forever, a purgers first law is to never stay in the bathroom too long or you'll raise suspicions. I use my arm to clear everything off and into my purse, not caring where it might fall.

I put my hand on the door and steady myself, unlock the door and plaster my Demi smile on my face. I'm walking back, Joe is awake but he won't look at me. Alex the dancer is whispering in one of the other dancers ears. 

THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU. SHE IS TELLING HER ALL YOUR SECRETS. THEY ARE GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.

Everything starts to go very fast and very slow at the same time. I shout at Alex who stands up looking confused and then I punch her in the face, I'm trying to claw at her and want to keep punching her and punching her. Someone is holding me back, these arms used to hold me gently but now they are restraining me, holding me, protecting HER!

I collapse on the floor in a fit of tears and blood. My nose is bleeding. Joe tries to get me to talk to him, I won't. I won't.