A H.E.R.O.S PROJECT 12

14. Heart



Mom drops us off at school.

She kisses our foreheads, and we're given ten dollars for lunch. After so many years of collecting this small allowance, I want to tell Mom the truth; lunch is free for all Eugenes High students. Our corrupt Principal, Mr. Haaris, made this deal with some knock-off organic food brand Healthy Nectar. All cafeteria food is free, and we're Healthy Nectar's guinea pigs since the food hasn't been tested or approved by the food and safety administration. Dougie uncovered this truth when he went digging for dirt on Healthy Nectar. Dougie had a problem with drinking grey milk and the daily vitamins, but if you're from Eugenes, you're used to discolored dairy, and I'd been taking the daily vitamins since I was in preschool.

I aspire to die with a clean conscience, but I shove the cash in my pocket anyway. With a small wave, clicking the Bluetooth over her ear, Mom talks on the phone and drives away.

When Mom is gone, I spot Adonis waiting by Canyon High's signature light green and white doors. He's sitting on a bench, hoodie on, looking sadder than me, scanning kids walking inside the school. He's searching for me, no doubt.

My stomach sinks to my feet, and I lower my eyes.

I sneak around to the back of the school, wishing I could run again. My walking boot uncomfortably rubs my foot, pinching the side of my ankle as I walk faster.

Richie gives me a stern glance, running past me and to the side of the school, where he and his friends sit and chat before the bell rings. This look is a reminder, a warning to follow his one rule that will protect our secret: no contact with that superficial pretty boy Adonis. Then Richie disappears, leaving me to my own devices.

"Anaya! Anaya! You know I saw you! It's hard not noticing someone who's staring at you. It's a given, Matthews." Adonis clenches my messenger bag behind me, and I stop, but I refuse to meet his eyes. I don't want to look like I'm crying for no reason, even though I am. Adonis hasn't done anything to me, and he doesn't deserve what I'm going to do when he's only loved me.

"So, we're not talking anymore? I ask you to be my girlfriend, want to take you to Spring Formal on Wednesday, and that's the end of us?" He steps in front of me, blocking my view so I can't see around him. He peels back his hood, and I see his face.

Adonis looks tired. He's still handsome, a Greek god, but not his typical glowing self. His eyes are puffy and bagged, his hair is not slicked back or jelled, his shirt is wrinkled, and one of his shoelaces isn't tied. But that's not what bothers me. It's the stress I've caused him I see in his eyes. I scared him for the first time in our relationship.

It's hard for me to look at him, to take him in. I don't want to see him like this over me.

"Honey, I was worried about you all weekend," Adonis says as a hello. He wanted me to know how much I've hurt him, how much he's missed me. I couldn't feel anymore like an asshole. "You don't answer my calls. I drove to your house, and your little brother said you weren't feeling good, and I couldn't come in to check on you. He said you might not show up today too."

Damn Richie.

Richie never told me Adonis stopped by the house.

"What's wrong? You've got me out of place, Yaya." He thinks, his eyes drifting somewhere, "Is it me? Did I do something wrong? If I did, I didn't mean to."

I know I shouldn't, I know what Richie said, but I can't take this space anymore. I just freak'n can't.

So I fall into his chest, and he wraps me in a protective hug. He kisses the top of my head, kisses my ear, and tells me it will be okay and everything will be alright. He tells me he's not mad, and I feel worse. The urge to tell him what's happening rises in my throat and settles in my mouth. I so badly want to dump all my problems on Adonis, but Richie's warning is the only thing that stops me from telling him the truth.

I promised Richie.

Adonis picks me up and carries me to the teacher's parking lot. He sets me on top of a guard rail leading to the teacher's breakroom. He crouches so we're at eye level. So close to my face, a lean apart, Donny tries to read my face, his eyes asking me to open up. He wants me to be honest.

He patiently waits, and it all hits me.

"Donny," I whimper, a single tear escaping me, hot on my cheek. I shake my head because I don't know how to put my words together. My eyes well with water, my hands trembling because I'm tired of holding it all in. I hide my tears, wiping them away quickly because as much as I love him, I don't like showing this vulnerable side of me.

Adonis kindly grins, understanding. He doesn't pry for questions and peels my hands from my face, his lips gently kissing my tears, my left cheek, then my right. "Baby, I'm not mad at you," he hushes on my cheek, his breath warm, his tone soft. I press my cheek more into his lips, closing my eyes. "I'm happy. I thought you were trying to break up with me. I stayed up to four in the morning watching I Love Lucy, looking for dating advice."

I sniffle a laugh in his strong arms, on his firm chest, and he presses me deeper into him. The smell of rain and lavender envelops me, and I cling to his arms, inhaling him, loving how safe and protected he makes me feel.

"Good show choice," I chuckle, leaning back on the guardrail. We are the same height, and I can map Donny's face. I trace dark circles under his eyes, smooth cheeks, and cleft chin I mindlessly kiss. Greedy, I kiss his chin again, savoring how warm he is on my lips. He tastes better than I last remembered.

"What happened? Are you sick? You're wearing a hoodie and a jacket. Do you have the chills? Should I take you home?" Adonis has his car keys in his hand and beeps for his car in the parking lot. If I ask Adonis, he'll take me wherever I want. No explanation is needed. Adonis is the person you would take on an adventure without explaining where the destination is and if it's safe. He trusts me and doesn't think twice about it. He would follow me anywhere, and I would take him everywhere. It's one of the many reasons why I love him so much.

"No, no. I'm fine," I assure Donny, lying to myself. How I wish I could leave with him. I want to go and forget all my problems. Unfortunately, I can't. My problem is attached to me. I have to fix all this without him—just this one time. So I say, my hand on his cheek, "I was under the weather, but I feel great now. Now that you're here."

More lies.

Adonis watches my expression, reading my eyes for what feels like forever before tucking his keys into his back pants pocket. He knows I'm not okay. The way Donny stares at me tells me everything; he knows I'm lying to him. But he won't fight me to open up. He knows better not to pressure me. We've been together for so long that Adonis is one of the few people on this planet who gets me and will let me come to him when I'm ready.

Not quite a smile, he musters up whatever he can for me and grins, cupping my hips, centering between my thighs so our chests merge. I can feel his heart thrum faster because of our closeness. He takes my hand and places it over his heart, "Anaya, I'm not that guy," he confesses wholeheartedly. "I don't walk away when my heart is all in. I can't. You're the first girl I've ever fallen for, and I don't want to lose you unless you want me gone. Then I'll go." I shake my head no. I don't want him to leave. That's the last thing I want. "So, no matter what, no matter how bad, we do it together." Then he tells me a promise, "I'm not going to hurt you."

His words settle within me, and if there is any doubt in my mind, worry, or fear, it dissipates, and I feel at peace.

My fingers sink into his thick black hair, and I ease him into me. I hate the distance I put between us. I hate it to my core. But there's nothing I can do.

And Richie's right. I can't get Adonis involved. It wouldn't be fair. I do need him. It's just not the right time.

"I love you," I say, bearing my heart. I give Donny everything in me, what I'm allowed to offer, and he kisses me, steadying us on the rail.

"I loved you the very first moment we met. I promise I'm not going anywhere. Nothing's going to change my mind," Donny swears. And I believe him.

I hug Adonis as hard as I can.