Yours Truly, Ramona

chapter three | fire.

The next morning I put on the nicest long sleeve shirt I own, which is a light blue cropped sweater with a lace pattern at the bottom. My dark high waisted jeans make up for the space over my hips that the cropped shirt doesn't cover. My long, wavy hair is left down and I pin up two strands from each side of my temples.

I haven't been to court in years, so I'm not sure how nice I'm supposed to dress. Chances are, being overdressed will look better than being under-dressed.

I wake up Mason and have him put on the nicest sweater and jeans he owns. He's doesn't say a word to me and seems unusually sad, although I don't blame him. On the outside I'm optimistic, but I'm screaming otherwise on the inside.

Mason only eats some of his breakfast. I can't even fathom what's going through his head. His eight-year-old brain probably has so many questions, though he's not asking any. I wonder if he even understands what's happening today.

"What are you thinking about, bug?"

I watch him from across the kitchen table and give him my full attention. He looks up from his plate of food and shrugs.

"I don't know."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Are you nervous? Scared, maybe?"

His anxiety has to be off the charts, and I can feel his leg bouncing underneath the table despite the fact that he keeps shrugging my questions.

He shrugs once again in response. I shrug back at him, trying to get him to talk by raising his spirits.

"How about some super yummy cookie butter?!"

He's certainly upset when even cookie butter—his absolute favorite treat—can't make him feel better.

"I just—I wanna stay with you." His voice breaks the moment he speaks. "I don't understand why I have to go."

Tears form in his eyes and I rush to his side to comfort him. I pull him close to my body and he clings to me with tightly balled fists.

"Just please don't let me go," he whispers through quiet cries.

I turn my voice as soft as I can while I rub circles onto his back.

"Mason, I promise you'll be okay."

"But you also promised you would never leave me! You broke that promise!"

I think I physically felt my heart break at that exact moment. Looking back, that might've been the exact moment I started to completely lose myself and all hope I had of sustaining a relationship with my brother. 

"Please, Ray! Don't break your promises anymore!"

He begins to sob into my shoulder, and knowing my brother, he may have a full-blown panic attack if he doesn't find a way to calm down. His body and his mind are under so much stress and I can tell he's terrified of the future. And even though I'm equally scared, I can't let him see that.

"Mason—just breathe. If there's one thing I can promise you, it's that you're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay."

He wants to fight against my reassurance, but I can tell he's doesn't have the energy to fight it anymore. I run my fingers through his blonde hair until his breathing slows to a more normal rate.

"What are you scared of?"

I peer down into his bright, blue eyes and watch him wipe a tear from his cheek.

"I'm scared of losing you, Ray. I just love you so much."

Again, my heart breaks just a little more.