Repair me

11. Avoid me

Though I'd never despised the sport I wasn't particularly a fan of football and never voluntarily put it on. The only thing that could really make me interested in it was if Mitch was on the pitch in his tight fitting shirt against the backdrop of brilliant green grass. Which, I guess, was why I was the only person in America who didn't know Jordan Jarvis, Grey's stepdad. I'd heard the name before, dropped in conversation and always with reverence, and I'd seen it emblazoned in bold on the front of magazines. But aside from that I knew nothing about his life, so I did the only thing you could do in that situation, I googled him.

Soon I had five tabs open and was ten pages deep into Wikipedia. I knew Jordan parents names, his hometown, his nickname in junior high and all the football teams he'd ever played on. I knew the girls he'd dated in his early sports career, then found the weddings photos from when he married Grey's mom. It was on a stunning Greek beach with pale sand set against the turquoise ocean, Greys mom was beautiful in a simple strapless ivory dress but it was Grey standing in the front row holding a baby brother on each knee who really took my breath away.

Greys stepdad must be one of the most photographed men on the planet from the pages and pages of images of him. And I could see how easy it was to get swept away in the photoshopped images of him with perfect skin smiling with perfectly white teeth as he took the twins to football games, as he went out for brunch with Greys mom. When he was visiting a local hospital with his charming smile aimed at the children in their beds. I could feel myself buying into the picture perfect image, Jordan Jarvis, a concept that the world had bought into. The ideal husband, father, footballer, stepdad, human.

I had to force myself to remember over and over again what this man was capable of; I'd witnessed the bruises on Greys side, the defeated way Grey had accepted the punches from Mitch and how he'd glumly stated, it's not like I'm not used to punches anyway. This man had broken someone as strong and capable and defiant as Grey and I despised him with every bone in my body for it. But what I hated most was how he got away with it. He could flash a smile full of whitened teeth, visit a hospital and pose for some photos, and the nation would fall in love with him, never seeing the person he was behind closed doors.

I felt completely powerless as I scrolled through, finally understanding some of what Grey must feel. How utterly silenced he was, if Grey ever did try to expose Jordan for his true nature he wasn't only fighting against Jordan's word, he was fighting the entire public perception of Jordan, someone who would never lay a hand on anyone. There was nothing Grey could say that would change people's minds. I turned the computer off unable to look at Jordan's tanned charmingly handsome face any more.

***

"Is that your boyfriend sweetie?" I wasn't sure if the woman on the table beside me was talking to me so I whipped my head around to check behind me before spinning it back around to find her watery blue eyes were looking straight at me.

"Yes he's my boyfriend," I smiled at the empty seat opposite me where Jackson had been sitting just a moment ago before he'd headed to the toilet, his half eaten waffle still on the table awaiting his return.

"He's very handsome," the woman whispered as if she were telling me some great secret only I was privileged enough to hear. She was at least 80 with skin creased with wrinkles giving away the fullness of her life and her eyes were beady and bloodshot, but the smile on her thin lips was sweet and genuine.

"I know," I grinned.

"He's a little bit older than you am I right?" she winked an eye at me conspiringly, "I'm not judging sweetheart my husband was seven years older than me."

"A little bit older," I admitted.

"They're far better, us women need a mature guy to keep us on our toes," she waggled a knowing finger at me. I laughed obligingly at her comment, at my response her wrinkled face broke into a grin, "it's so nice to see a young couple so happy together."

"We're very happy," I nodded surely, twisting my jumper sleeves up over my hands to ensure the deep purple bruises on my wrists were hidden.

***

"Hey Nico!" I was leaving the dorms on my way to meet the boys at dinner, I'd been with my dad who'd had the nurse around doing the final checkup on his wound. Thankfully, it had healed perfectly and he was pronounced back to normal health which gave him the go ahead he needed to immerse himself in work again. Nico was coming in from swimming practise, hair still soaking wet and dripping onto the towel he had wrapped around his neck.

When Nico looked up to see me for a moment I saw the usual glimmer in his eyes that occurred whenever he saw me. They filled with an eager glint that told me he was pleased to see me. But the moment the look appeared it suddenly vanished giving way to a look of dismay, followed briefly by something I couldn't place, hurt? Then finally a seriousness that didn't belong among his handsome features; it was as out of place as an extra nose in his face.

"Hi," his response was blunt. Since the fight two nights ago I'd barely seen Nico, I'd caught glimpses of him coming and going from his room, always in the move and he always sped up if he caught sight of me. Usually on his way to and from the pool which was where he appeared to be living now. I wouldn't have been surprised if I went in one morning to find him floating on the surface fast asleep. He'd claimed he was trying to get as much practise as possible in before the swim season, but I suspected he was avoiding me. Which hurt in the most unexpected way. Being shunned by Nico made a hole in the bottom of my stomach, as if a part of me was completely missing from my body and I was left with a never ending sense of loss that was constantly tugging on the back of my mind. The feeling left me empty and twisted up inside, I felt so so small.

"You coming to dinner, the others are already there?" I offered up my most conciliatory smile in an attempt to soften him up. I was sure he'd need to get whatever was bothering him off his chest soon. He had to because I wasn't sure how much longer I could take the cold treatment.

"I want to shower first, I'll come after," Nico was already backing away from me desperate to escape, I felt like a spider, Nico the fly desperately trying to wriggle its way of my web. I didn't want to be the spider, there was once a time when I'd enjoyed having control over boys, playing with them as easily as I flick of a string. But I didn't want to do that anymore, hearts weren't made to be played with.

"Okay," I agreed biting my lip to force myself to swallow what I wanted to say. I was giving Nico his own time to open up, "see you in a bit. Don't take too long."

I watched Nico bound up the stairs until his feet went out of sight before spinning on my heel feeling the gaping gap in my stomach grow.

Nico never showed up at dinner, as much as I stared longingly at the door waiting for it to open and show him, it never did.