Try Being Me.

What the heck!

It's Tuesday and I'm bored out of my fucking mind. School ended last week for winter break, so I had nothing to do. Except a few homework packets but we all know I'm not going to complete that shit. I mean who does homework for fun?!

I rolled off of the couch and landed on the floor with a thud.

"Uggghh, I'm so bored!" I groaned as I watched the snowflakes flutter to the ground.

I only had a few options at this point.

Go binge eat junk food, or go mess with my brothers.

The only problem with number two is that Neo is out with his girlfriend. Khoi is at swim practice, and Andres is no where to be found. So it was just me and Addison.

I dragged my body up the stairs and stopped at Addison's door. I then proceeded to kick the shit out of his door and waltz into his room.

He looked up from his computer screen with an expression of shock.

"You scared the crap outta me!" he exclaimed, and I just climbed up beside him.

I peered over on his computer screen to see him watching -

"Porn?" I asked in shock and disgust. "Are you seriously watching porn right now?"

"Yeah," he replied not phased by any of this. "It's where I get some of me moves from."

"You violently have sex with your partners?"

He paused the gruesome video, and looked at me. "No, but you can learn a thing or two from these men."

I gave him a confused look then just shook my head. "I'm just going to walk away and pretend this didn't happen."

I got up and walked to the door then he stopped.

"Wait," he called.

"What?"

"I think you need to learn about this." he said motioning to his screen.

"I think you need Jesus,"

He laughed. "Look Ollie, you're going to have sex whether we want you to or not. I mean look at these sluts. I'm pretty sure their parents didn't want this for them. It's my job as a big brother to teach you the right thing to do."

I rolled my eyes. "I already know what to do."

"Really?" he said raising an eyebrow.

"Really." I replied and slipped out the door.

[A FEW HOURS LATER]

I was taking a well deserved nap but woke up to Addison standing over me with a smug grin on his face.

"What the heck are you doing in my room?" I asked sitting up, and feeling something fall off of me.

I picked it up, and it was a condom. I immediately dropped it , and jumped out of bed.

"That better not have been used or else," I threatened.

"What do you do now Ollie?" he asked.

I slapped him across the face. "That's what I do!"

He rubbed the spot, but didn't return the favor, instead he had a look of shock on his face.

"Dude!" he exclaimed. "Your face!"

I rushed over to the mirror, and sure enough, I was breaking out in hives. They were all over my neck and face.

"Hoooollly fuck!"

"What do I do?" he asked.

"I don't fucking know!" I yelled. "How was I supposed to know that I was allergic to condoms?!"

He grabbed his hair in frustration.

"Just go tell dad!" he screamed pushing me out my room and into the hallway.

I went into dad's room and he immediately came over to me.

"What the heck happened?!" he examined my face.

"Well..." I began. "I'm sorta allergic to condoms."

"Oh dear God," he said. "Who did it?"

"Addison ," I admitted.

"That bloody fucking idiot!" dad cursed. "When's he going to learn to stop being a dickhead!"

That night I was rushed to the hospital because my stupid fucking dad took too long to realize that my damn throat was closing up!! I almost died. I could see the light!

Just fucking kidding!! None of that shit happened bitches!!

I did go to the hospital to get a shot though. I almost kicked the shit out of my doctor when he came near me with that thing. Kung-Fu Panda Bitch!!

That night at dinner I asked the question that was on everybody's mind.

"I am going to be able to have safe sex, or is my vagina going to swell up like its been stung by a thousand bees?"

Dad almost choked on his broccoli.

"We are going to need a swear jar in this family."

"Vagina is a swear word?" I asked for clarification.

"No,but-" dad began.

"Pussy is another word for cat," Khoi replied.

"Fuck! These peas are dry!" Addison said testing dads patience.

"Shit!" Neo added.

"Ass juice!" Andres shouted.

"What the heck is ass juice?" I asked.

Andres shrugged. "Fluids produced by your ass."

"Okay that's it!" dad said slapping the table. "Every one puts a dollar in the swear jar."

"Father," Neo said.

"What?!"

"You're seeming to forget that we don't have a swear jar."

We all giggled except for dad who was pretty fucking pissed.

Oh excuse me, I mean, he was very teed off.

"Just put it in a jar!!" he yelled. "Any jar!"

Khoi got up and took up dads most precious ceramic jar and planted in on the table with a thud. All eyes immediately turned to him.

He facepalmed.

"I swear you fucking shitballs are pushing me over the edge!!!" Dad yelled.

We all burst out laughing.

"You have to put a dollar in the swear jar," I informed him.

"Okay!!!" he exclaimed and shoved a dollar in the ceramic jar.

"A quarter per swear word," Neo bargained.

"A dime!" Addison replied.

"A nickel," Khoi added.

"A quarter makes just enough sense," I said.

"Go to bed!" dad instructed. "Just go to bed, all of you!"

We loved pushing dad off the edge. It's nice to see him angry once in a while.

All five of us trotted up the stairs and broke off in different directions to our bedrooms.

As I laid in bed I thought about the swear jar rule, and found a loop hole.

He never said we couldn't swear in another language.

We were good at languages.

This is going to be fun.