One of us - Nichorello

24. Your fault

<Lorna's POV>

The red hickey on my neck was shining as I stared at it in the mirror through my tear-filled eyes. Why did I still let him do this to me? Because I was afraid of him? Because I still loved him? Or because I was afraid that I would end up alone again?

I tried to cover up the red mark with concealer and make-up but failed as it still shined through. My hair wasn't long enough to cover it, which only left me the option of a scarf. I frantically wiped my tears away, hoping that nobody would see the state I was currently in. Especially not Nicky. I didn't want to talk to her about Christopher, because I knew how it stressed her by only hearing his name. As I looked at the clock, already 15 minutes had passed by so I made my way to the cafeteria.

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"Hey, Lorna," Alex said as I was about to enter the cafeteria. She grinned at me in her typical Vause way while goofily scrunching her nose. 

"Alex! How is Nicky doing?" This would be our usual conversation, our only topic being Nicky. She was everything I thought about, everything I wanted to talk about.

"Not gonna ask about me?"she pouted.

"I'm sorry." I chuckled while holding up my hands in innocence. 

"She is doing okay. Having a really hard time with the drugs. Well, without them, actually. But I really like your agreement. Nicky needed a timeout from all that stuff."

"I think so too. I was going to look for her now." I said, pointing towards the cafeteria.

"I'll catch up with you guys later. But if you see Nicky, tell her that she is doing great, okay?"

"Sure"

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The cafeteria was filled with little kids as I reached for my tray which was filled with greenish potatoes and something that could possibly be meat. I turned around, seeing Liza waving at me to come over, but instead, I headed towards Piper, Caleb, and Nicky.

Nicky's head was resting on the table in an uncomfortable position not moving at all.

"Hey," I said still staring at Nicky. I sat down next to Piper and on the opposite side of Nicky, who had now propped her head on her arms, resting her forehead in her hands. She didn't search for eye contact with me, which I had been looking forward to. Instead, she was poking around in the mashed food with her fork, while her eyes were not fixating anything.

"I'm starving, but the thought of actually eating makes me want to yurg," Piper said, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

"Maybe it's because this food looks like something a walrus would regurgitate to feed its least favorite baby," Caleb agreed.

"Do you know what I want?" Piper paused "A burger. From shake shack."

Caleb and Piper continued to fantasize about food as I glanced over to Nicky, who was clumsily shifting on her seat. Her eyelids were half closed, her skin was pale and shiny and her hair was pointing in different directions off of her head. There was definitely something wrong with her.

"Hey there," I poked Nicky gently with my finger "You're really being a bit of a downer."

"I'm sorry" she paused, her head still propped up on her hands as if she wasn't strong enough to hold it up on her own "Is my mood not up to your standards?"

I frowned in disbelief as I felt the pain and disappointment making its way through my body up to my brain. Why was she being like this?

"No one asked you to plop yourself down right in front of me," she rolled her eyes in annoyment.

"I'm sitting here 'cause we're all friends." I motioned towards the group.

"Okay, is that what we are now?"

"You need to stop blaming me, hon," I said, feeling guilty about the words I had just spoken. I didn't deserve her, I knew that. I knew that she was hurting by my relationship with Christopher, which was a wreck anyway. If I could, I would break up with him. But the truth is, everytime I tried, he would push me against the wall and force himself on top of me. She wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain how hard it was for me. 

"Mmm-hmm." She said, not even looking at me. I got really angry at her behavior as she had been acting totally normal in English lessons.

"I have no idea what you did... but you sure as fuck did something because you can't keep your head up right now."

"Don't try to change the subject okay?" she scoffed "How do you even find someone that fucked up in your life and stay with him?"

This wasn't Nicky speaking, this was high Nicky. She was definitely on drugs, breaking her promise.

"Okay, stop it," I said, the anger rising inside of me "It's your fault because you love heroin more than you love me."

"For your information, I was clean for days now, because of you. You peanut-brained, fickle-hearted whore."

I shut my mouth unable to respond to her insult. Piper and Caleb gasped both staring at Nicky in disbelief, making it even harder to suppress the tears. Her words felt like stings in my heart, a sword pushing through it, denying it the ability to beat.

"So, how is everyone?" Alex came to the table, seeming happy and clearly unaware of the discussion we just had. 

"Oh, you know," Piper paused "pretty awesome."

Alex looked at the four of us, sensing that something was wrong. I stood up, still staring at Nicky, who was rolling her eyes.

"She's on drugs, Vause."

"Oh, God," Nicky replied.

"Just take a look at her. She's smacked out of her gourd."

Vause didn't reply, still staring at Nicky. Her eyes weren't filled with anger or pain like mine were, they contained disappointment. Their usual green piercing color had now turned into a greyish tone, letting them almost disappear.

Alex left the table, without saying another word. Angry at both myself and Nicky, I left the cafeteria too, leaving my tray behind, with the woman I really loved.