ego ~ h.s. [editing]

seven ~ the fucks and the fuck-ups [edited]

I tilted my head, watching Autumn concentrating on whatever she was doing. She was frowning, and then smiling and then biting her lip.

"What makes you go through hundreds of emotions in less than a minute?" I asked her carefully, standing up from the couch and approaching her.

"I'm looking through the pictures I took earlier." Her answer was brief, signalling me she wanted to be left alone with her editing job.

"Okay, okay. Didn't mean to upset you, I'm just curious, you know." I throw my hands up to show that annoying her wasn't my intention. She smiled, though her eyes never flickered to mine. They were glued on the pictures in front of her.

She opened a photo and then looked up at me. "This is my favourite one." I lowered my head to catch a glimpse. The full screen showed me a photo of myself but I couldn't quite believe that it was actually me. "You look so.." She searched for the right word and moved her hands, something people pointed out that I did often. "Fierce. You look extremely fierce. Powerful. I just.. If I was to give this picture a caption, I'd call it 'the quiet before the storm'."

I analysed the photograph further. It was a close-up portrait, the sun setting in the background and its light hitting my face, letting half of my face appear dark and the other one bright. I looked away from the camera, my eyebrows slightly in a frown. My eyes were narrowed and the wind tousled my hair, making it hang in front of the right half of my face. My eyes didn't have their usual colour, they were somewhat.. lighter, changing into the colour of honey.

"Won't you say anything?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and raised my brows involuntarily. "Err, it's a nice shot."

Autumn groaned. "Gosh, Dawn." What is her problem now? "This is like a masterpiece." I rolled my eyes. I mean for sure, it was a good picture - but she was exaggerating, wasn't she?

"A nice shot.", she scoffed and then I realised how different the girl on the picture was. How different I looked on this picture. I was unreachable and cold, radiating nothing but intimidation.

I couldn't help but blame him on that matter, I couldn't help but think the person I've become now isn't who I was when we split. I haven't always been this cold and distant. I haven't been this pessimistic but after losing the man I adored most, I felt myself fall into the state of an emotionless person. I clung tightly to what I had left - my broken heart and a river of tears but they were also ripped away. Ripped away by none other than him.

I had been told that I had my warmth and my forgiveness from my father, everyone meeting me saw a bright future ahead of me, telling me I should stay this way as long as I lived.

But when I was in midst of a free fall, he rushed to catch me giving me the illusion of being understood and protected. What came next, never made sense to me and never will.

After saving me, he dropped me like a hot brick. On purpose, becoming my saviour and enemy at the same time.

"Where's your mind, huh?"

I was broken away from my never-ending, agonising thoughts. "The usual. 'Bout all the university applications I wrote in vain since they're going to be rejected."

Autumn rolled on her chair in order to face me. I was sitting on the couch again or moreover lying, that is.

"How often did I tell you that you are going to get the place? We both know there's nothing to worry about, the good student you are." She mocked me and I knew she was messing with me since I was probably one of the worst students of our whole school.

"Yes, you're right. They don't have another choice than granting me a place - I mean.. with the non-existent A's and B's in my report it's hard to believe they have."

My best friend laughed and shook her head. "Dawn, you're unbelievable. Seriously though, don't worry. If it's supposed to happen, it will. If not, then it wasn't supposed for you to study that subject there. And don't start lecturing me on my life motto or your nice butt is going to be kicked."

Now it was my time to roll my eyes. "Fine, fine. I better behave since I can't go to my uncle's house and I have no other place to stay the night except for here."

She stood up and walked over her closet. "You better." She called from there. When Autumn re-entered the room, she was dressed in comfortable clothes such as her favourite pair of sweatpants and an oversized woollen jumper. She looked absolutely odd, with the baggy sweatpants and the all-too-big jumper but she couldn't care less. She has always been the one not to care about how she looked or what others thought of her and yet she managed to look absolutely amazing - every day and every hour of the day.

Just as she was passing her commode, my phone started ringing. She picked it from the white furniture and tossed me the device.

I looked at the dialler ID and let out a sigh of relief that it wasn't my mother. "Darren," I stated.

Before Autumn could say anything I was out of the room, on the balcony, answering the call.

"Darren," I breathed.

"Er, hey." I could tell he felt uneasy talking to me. I knew exactly why he was calling but right now wasn't quite the time.

"I.. I was wondering if you could come over?" I closed my eyes and didn't respond for a second, which he took as a signal. "I mean, if, if you want to.. And if you do not, then tha-"

I groaned. "Darren, the thing is; I'd like to come over, really. I totally need seeing you right now too but I can't. You know I can't stay the night at yours and right now I'm not staying at home." I was hoping that he had gotten the message. How was I supposed to sneak into the Cold's house when I would return from Darren?

There was a long pause after that. "Darren? You still on?"

"Yeah. Uhm. Well, I guess I'll see you around then."

"Yes, most definitely," I bit my lip. I felt bad for rejecting Darren when all I wanted was to meet him and forget the world. I was just about to hang up as I heard Darren's voice calling my name.

"Yes?", I answered.

"Dawn.. I.. I think I miss you. And I don't know why I'm telling you this since I know you hate to hear it because clinginess is something you can't stand but I miss you. So fucking much."

Letting out a shaky breath, I frowned. He had become attached, which was never part of the plan. "I'll see you soon, Darren."

I noticed my harsh tone but there was nothing I could do. When we had both started seeing each other, I had told Darren that I wasn't interested in anything serious and that I hated becoming attached. We were not exactly friends and we weren't lovers because there were no emotions included - from my point of view. But now there was Darren, calling me in the middle of the night, telling me he misses me. What a fuck up I did there.

I had to clean up the mess I had created and that was the first thing I would do tomorrow morning. My face buried in my head, I didn't even realise an annoyed Autumn. When I spotted her crossed arms, I gulped. Someone got pissy.

Narrowing her eyes at me, she spoke. "So it's true then."

I gave her a puzzled look, I didn't understand what she was on about. "What is-"

"Don't give me that crap, Dawn." Her face showed clear emotion of disgust, like she was disgusted by only looking at me. And then I knew where this was heading - I didn't like it one bit. "And please once, just once answer me truthfully. How long have you been fucking Darren?"