All Those Words

Chapter 16

Asa

This is home

~ C

I stare at the engraving on the back of the watch Calysta has given me. The watch is beautiful but the words she chose are more so. It makes my chest ache and it makes me wonder whether that's the reason she ran off to open the front door in a rush after I kissed her. She had apologized and said 'we can't do this'. Not I can't do this but we can't do this and I hated that I was over analyzing her words but it was killing me.

I understand that her parents are fostering me. I understand that it makes us kind of siblings but we're not blood related, not are Mr. and Mrs. Harmon going to adopt me. So what was she so scared of? It wasn't wrong to have feelings for each other since we weren't really siblings so why did her response make me feel so damn shitty?

But the words engraved on the back of the watch makes me think. It drowns me in my thoughts to the point where I start thinking about all the foster homes I've ever been in. I was taken in by a nice social service employee – Mrs. Falkoff – when I was ten years old. Before then, I used to live in a small, one story house on the other side of town. I had two parents who were rarely at home but that house had something special about it. Despite having parents who didn't care about me enough, at least I had peace of mind. After being taken into the foster system, all I did was jump from family to family. Some didn't want me because they couldn't handle a kid the other children kept ragging on. They didn't want to discipline the other children so they sent me away. Some only kept me for the money the government gave them so they managed to control the others but once I started fighting back, they didn't want me either. It hurt that no family was a right fit for me but the Harmon's are different and the kids they take in are different. But I still want to see whether Calysta and I can work out.

She spends the entire evening bustling around the house, giving the younger kids tea time snacks then giving Yuna a bath, helping her and Shale dress up. Then she disappears into the girls' room, mumbling something about helping Lennon do her hair and wanted to borrow something from Trixie. And so I get ready, fasten the watch carefully around my wrist and enjoy the coldness of the stainless steel and the words engraved against my skin. I wait downstairs until Mr. and Mrs. Harmon come downstairs with Yuna and Shale.

"Happy birthday, A-sha." Yuna grins and hands me a gift.

"Thank you," I say awkwardly and then look at the adults.

They smile and sit down on the couch on either sides of me. It makes me feel a swell of happiness and warmth. Even though I'm the newest kid they've taken in, they treat me like I'm one of their own and it makes emotions clog my throat. I've never celebrated my birthday before. I've never gotten a gift before. None of the families I've lived with have ever spent money on me, even if it was the money they were getting from the government to take care of me.

"That's from the young ones," Mrs. Harmon tells me. "And this is from us."

She hands me a second gift wrapped box and I try my hardest to be my usual cocky self but fail. I can't make jokes or take it lightly when they're being kinder than necessary. It makes me wonder why I hadn't met them earlier, why social services hadn't reached out to them during my childhood when I really wanted and needed a family. My views on family have changed and although they make me want to believe in it again, I know that I won't be able to.

I tell them that it wasn't necessary to get me gifts but they laugh it off and tell me to open them. So I do and I feel like crying all over again when I find a soft comfortable white sweater in one and a black, fur lined jacket with a hood in the other. Had they noticed my lack of winter clothing? The only long sleeved article of clothing I had was what I was wearing which also happened to the only formal thing I owned – a dark blue Chinese collared shirt.