"I may have saved her from the monsters that crawl through the dark, but she saved me from the worst monster of all. She rescued me from who I would have become without her, the monster that would have easily conquered my body."
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Reese Chambler...
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SOMETIMES I BELIEVE in my god. Sometimes I like to think that She has a greater purpose for everything. Sometimes I hope that my life will end when I am crushed beneath a great light as the nightmarish world I live in is destroyed under Her mighty fist.
Other times, I know She is not real.
Deep within me, there is a dark cavern that sings in twisted chords, a place where the screeching tones vibrate its cold walls. The hysterical whispers cut through the shadows, hissing the truth. I can wish all I want that a premature, horrific death won't be the end, but honestly, there is no way anyone can avoid it. Not anymore. There are few things left in this world that don't have their seeds planted in fear.
I don't want the people I love to be taken from me, but I can't do anything about it. No one can save them, not even my hypothetical god. I know Enid is capable making it to the Hilltop without so much as a scratch inflicted upon her, but there is still the horrible chance that she could find herself in an unpredictable situation.
My stomach churns and folds in on itself, twisting into a knot. I feel physically sick from worry, but I know there is no way to calm the tide. She made her choice. I thought it was a stupid choice, but I was powerless to stop her.
The muscles in my face contract each time I wince at the pain in my hands. I pick at my fingernails, carving out the dirt that is lodged under them and ripping off hangnails. I am sitting in the kitchen of the Grimes house, for here the silence cannot harm me. In Aunt Tara's house, the unnerving quiet plagues me. Silence is not something I used to think could be loud, but when I am stuck in it for hours on end, it overwhelms my senses. I'd rather be listening to MJ's soft voice as she sloppily articulates her newly discovered words. Just hearing her sweet giggle is enough to make me smile.
An angry Carl suddenly storms into the room, bringing with him thunder and lightning as they swirl around his head. The room darkens and presses down on me. Gone is the boy who I have grown so attached to. Here, standing in front of me is the boy that I do not know, the one holding onto his hatred for Negan. He tries to hide the fact that he is fuming with a half-assed concerned expression. He wrinkles his eyebrow, trying to look worried.
"What are you doing?" I ask, stopping him on his way to the front door. He sighs and sucks his lips in. I can tell that he is frustrated. He again tries to mask his face, twisting it around so that it resembles a face that cares.
"I am going after Enid. It was stupid of her to go out there alone."
"I thought you said you were done saving her?" I look at him, narrowing my eyes in disbelief. He just shakes his head, not waiting for my approval of his plans.
A few minutes after he slips out of the front door, I hang my head. Out of sheer frustration, I bang my hands against the counter and MJ, who is sitting in the other room playing with some of her toys, jumps up at the loud noise. I carry her upstairs and put her down for a nap, asking Olivia to look in on her for a little bit. I offer her a lame excuse, telling her that I am going to the chapel.
