How to Not Circle the Drain: Keeping it Together in the 21st Century

Intelligent Interaction: Check Yourself!

Communication Skills for the 21st Century:  Mindful Speech in Action

You may have heard the well known saying about jazz music that there is great importance in the notes that are not played, that the notes that are not played are as important as the ones that are.  American jazz musician Miles Davis is often cited as the creator of the phrase, but it is sometimes attributed to other musicians as well.   The concept of the importance of space and silence is relevant in many artistic mediums, and is also applicable to human communication and interaction.

 Constructive communication is best approached with a spirit of editing, of identifying what will not be said.   I sometimes tell clients to think about their communication and interaction with others as a book that is being written, and all books could benefit from editing and refining rough drafts.   The editing of the self in the realm of communication may serve to not only avoid escalation and conflict; it may provide a chance to practice mindfulness and self-discipline in a way that benefits the self and others. 

An argument generally consists of mutual interruption and an unedited, stream of consciousness output.  Often things are said that are hurtful and reactive, and cannot be taken back once they are communicated.  An editing process includes being in touch with your thoughts and feelings and then being selective about what you will share.  I have often shared with clients who posit that editing implies a lack of total honesty, that total honesty that is harshly communicated may be placed in the category of brutality. It is rarely useful to just vent and “get everything out” because it may be hurtful and lead to unproductive and unwanted outcomes.  Compassion for others includes considering the impact that our words may have on them.  The goal is not perfect communication, rather humane, considerate, and effective communication to the greatest extent possible.

Many people ascribe to the “never go to bed angry” principle and feel that they must work a resolution with their partner before sleep.  I have personally witnessed this backfire many times and end in increased conflict and even violence.  Having time and the opportunity to calm and self-soothe often results in a significant modification in thoughts, feelings, and eventual communication.  Once the “cool-down” occurs, things that seemed significant may  diminish in their original importance.  Taking the time to consider thoughtfully before speaking creates an opportunity to evaluate if the intended communication will be hurtful or unproductive, and to modify accordingly to create value-creating, productive communication.   

 Even the most difficult and painful conversations that need to take place may be tempered by some proactive editing.  Guidelines and precepts pertaining to speech can be found in different forms during the study of comparative world religion.  For example, in Buddhist philosophy, right speech is part of the Noble Eightfold Path and regarding the Fourth Noble Truth the Buddha taught that Right Speech had four elements:

1)  Refrain from false speech, lies, or deception;
2)  Do not slander others or speak in a way that causes disharmony or hostility;
3)  Refrain from rude, impolite or abusive language;
4)  Do not indulge in idle chatter or gossip.1

Applying  these four elements of Right Speech include proactive action and not just prohibitions: speaking truthfully and honestly; speaking in a way to promote harmony and good will; using language to reduce anger and ease tensions; using language in a way that is productive and useful.  Speech is a vehicle to engage with others in a compassionate way, and discernment is essential in applying the precepts.  The process of communication includes evaluation of possible consequences, whether beneficial or negative.  Brutal truth-telling is not advocated but rather being mindful when honesty may cause greater suffering and tempering it accordingly, by omission or changing the content of communication.  There exists a sense of responsibility and accountability for the effect of words on the recipient, or audience. 

Self-editing is not about total disregard of your true thoughts and feelings.  I visualize it as a sort of filter that communications flow through to remove the harmful, reactive grit and debris.  It is more a way of handling what you think and feel to be true by being a responsible steward of when and how you share your thoughts and feelings.  A process of discernment is recommended in order to evaluate whether your speech is productive and value-creating, and if not, what parts of it should be omitted or remain unexpressed.