How to Not Circle the Drain: Keeping it Together in the 21st Century

Stain of Error Alert: Have You Checked Your Self-Esteem Today?

Self-Esteem Update:  Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion Rule!

Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of the New England Transcendentalists, was very influential for me as a teenager.  I have found many of his essays and aphorisms to be very useful, both personally and professionally.  The one pearl I have gotten the most mileage out of is from his essay Love, written in 1841:  “Each man sees over his own experience a stain of error, whilst that of other men looks fair and ideal.”  When considering self-esteem and self-evaluation, the stain of error is a useful concept.  It is optimal to have a realistic view of oneself, neither too inflated or deflated, so that life in the world may be navigated optimally.  When we compare ourselves to others, we may feel better or worse.  It may be more useful to minimize comparison and instead consider our connections to one another and all life forms on the planet if we are working towards building a healthier relationship to the self. 

High self-esteem may be a detriment in some situations, leading to feelings of superiority, entitlement,  and control over others.  Conversely, many of us have a tendency to assess ourselves with the “stain of error” omnipresent, feeling somehow uniquely deficient and partnered with struggle more so than others.  A healthy respect for moderation and middle-ground may be useful in formulating more practical evaluations of our strengths, weaknesses, skills, abilities, and areas for growth.  It may also be useful to consider self-esteem as a moving target - we may have a baseline, but we may experience esteem “fluctuations.”  An individual may feel competent and worthy one day, and then have a shame and inferiority attack the next! 

Nathaniel Branden, a modern pioneer for the concept of self-esteem, explains it as follows:  “Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment – happiness – are right and natural for us. “

The most important foundation of self-esteem is generally regarded as early parental/caregiver interaction and treatment.  Many clients who have experienced abuse, abandonment, and neglect have asked me how they will effectively cope with life’s challenges when they are missing that important building block, and have had their person-hood violated in some way.  This is an excellent opportunity to again harness the neuroscientific information about our ability to influence our brain structure and activity.  This is by no means an easy task and I strive to never discount the reality of the inherent challenges.  It can be done as a result of consistent focus and effort, and those lacking a secure attachment foundation from their early development can work towards what social psychologist Daniel Gilbert calls “earned secure attachment.” 

Translation:  if your childhood did not produce conditions for healthy self-regard and self-acceptance to take root, it is time to parent yourself.  A skilled psychotherapist or life coach can be extremely useful as a guide in this endeavor.  There are myriad resources available through print and electronic media.  Building a healthier sense of self-acceptance and compassion is a practice, a work in progress, and will inform and affect all of your life’s interactions and experiences.  You may begin parenting yourself at any time!  Excellent self-care is essential, that you make taking care of yourself a priority, and care for yourself as you would a beloved child. 

There is no perfect childhood on Earth, and to some extent most humans will have some issues with self-esteem throughout their life.  A useful strategy is to identify your habits of self-criticism and possible denigration and self-loathing.  I like to say “the hits keep coming from the outside world, why have them come from within?  How about you try get on your own team, be your own inner cheerleader or coach?”  Awareness, as always, is the first step.  There is currently debate in the field over the utility of positive self-statements and affirmations, so as usual this is not a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter prescription.  Someone with a higher sense of self-esteem may feel empowered and strengthened by repeating positive affirmations, and someone starting with a lower self-esteem may feel worse.