How to Not Circle the Drain: Keeping it Together in the 21st Century

Intelligent Interaction: Listen Up!

 Communication Skills The 21st Century Way:  Mindful Listening

Interpersonal communication provides a continuously challenging arena to implement all of the skills covered thus far, including mindfulness, emotional regulation, anger management, and resilience.  Some of the essential elements of good communication flow include mindful listening, sharing thoughts and feelings without blaming, shaming, or attacking, and working cooperatively and collaboratively to “live in the solution” rather than the problem. 

Communication in the 21st century has some unique challenges, and some old-school etiquette reminders may prove useful for us all.  How many of you have felt invalidated, ignored, or disrespected because you are attempting to talk with someone, but have to compete with their phone or tablet?  Multi-tasking when seeking authentic and constructive communication is an obstacle, which blocks any hope for reciprocal flow and quality interaction.  I really appreciate when someone isn’t constantly checking their phone or texting when we are sharing a meal, taking a walk, or simply conversing.  Mindfulness practice includes attending to the moment with open awareness and full receptive participation.  How receptive and engaged can one be when in constant interaction with devices?   Back to basics in the realm of in-person communication includes digital detox and being fully present.  Non-verbal communication such as facial expression and body language are part of the total communication process, and you may miss important cues and information  if you are not engaging your full attention. 

I believe that one of the main reasons that psychotherapy and coaching remain attractive to people is that they are assured of having an in-person, focused, engaged listener for a circumscribed amount of time.  As I continue to evolve in my career, I have come to appreciate the nuances of listening in new ways - listening is a mind-body skill, one that engages all the senses and provides information about other people and their history, moods, states of mind, desires, challenges, intentions, needs, dreams, etc.  I am constantly honing my listening skills and course-correcting if I find my mind wandering or I am merely listening “from the neck up.”  When we say “I feel you,” or “I’m hearing you,” to another person, that means that we are listening to them with mind, body, and heart, our entire person.  Mindful listening facilitates the process of understanding another person’s point of view, and building a foundation of trust and respectful rapport.  Before jumping to judgment about another person’s negativity, listening may provide an inroad to understanding what motivates them, what they are afraid of, and how they may feel invisible or invalidated.  When we are truly mindful we are patient and non-reactive, fully observing, accepting of what is happening, and acknowledging it. 

Intelligent Interaction Skill #1:  Mindful Listening

Effective communication begins with the core skill of listening.  Mindful listening includes  focusing on what the other person is saying, as well as their facial expression, gestures, and the volume and the tone of their voice.  Awareness and observation are the first steps in refining your listening skills.  It is natural to be thinking about what you want to say next while someone else is still talking.  When you notice that you are doing this, slow down, gently redirect your thoughts back to what the person speaking is saying.  Listen carefully with a receptive attitude.  We have all interrupted someone when they are speaking.  If you catch yourself doing this, simply apologize and enter back into listening mode.  Another pitfall to avoid is finishing someone else's sentences for them.  Even if you know the person extremely well, intentional listening means allowing the other person the space to express their complete idea, without interjection or interruption. 

My definition of an argument includes mutual interruption and interjection.  Being mindful of a tendency to interrupt, or being impatient to the point of finishing other people's sentences or train of thought, is an exercise in increasing our awareness.  Once we are aware of it, we are able to redirect that energy into intentional listening.  This is an initial step not only towards being a full participant in the process of listening, but also a potential technique to avoiding escalation and destructive fighting.  Feeling invalidated, disrespected, and not heard, may be a huge emotional trigger for people and may initiate a downward spiral towards conflict.


Test Drive:  Dedicate yourself to mindful listening and practice full attention to what the other person is saying, as well as their non-verbal communication.  Mindfulness skills drive the train here, attending to the present moment, being in the now, accepting what is, as it is occurring, without judging.  Observe how your mind wanders off-subject, or how you are formulating your response before the person is finished.  Gently redirect your thought process, focus and  tune in to your role as a listener.  Ground yourself in your body by slowing and deepening your breath, and locating yourself in the abdominal area, the core of your body.  Soften your eyes, your gaze.  Breathe into and feel the energy in your feet grounding you to the earth via gravitational pull. You are all ears and eyes now!


Cultivating empathy when listening provides an excellent opportunity to be other-focused, rather than self-focused.  Mindful listening also includes responses to the speaker that confirm and acknowledge that you have heard what they are saying, and are seeking to clarify what you did not understand.  This can be especially challenging if we disagree with what the speaker is saying and an emotional response is triggered in us.  Listening includes discipline and restraint, getting out of our own way in order to respond instead of pure automatic reacting.  Body language is important here - leaning forward, not crossing your arms or legs, facial expression, gestures that you make, the amount and intensity of eye contact and amount of personal space that is appropriate to your respective cultures and social norms.  It is helpful if your eyes are level in relation to one another, for example both parties sitting or standing, so your gazes are on an equal plane. 

Mindful listening does include both non-verbal and verbal responses, consisting of encouragement for the speaker to express themselves, expand upon what they are saying, and clarify what they have said.  The FBI and several law enforcement agencies have incorporated active listening skills into their crisis negotiation skills training.  The following key elements are inspired by the FBI's techniques, coupled with my own personal and professional practice preferences:

 Non-verbal responses include nodding your head, your facial expression, any gestures that you make,etc. 

Mirroring facial expression is a vehicle for empathic connection, by smiling with someone, looking concerned when they are worried, or sad when they are expressing difficulty or sadness.

Verbal mirroring or reflecting by just repeating the last few words that the person said, for example if they say “I got so down I felt like crying,”  you say “you felt like crying.”  This may seem awkward to implement, but it serves to validate a stance of listening and comprehension. 

Brief verbal acknowledgements  (oh, okay, right, uh-huh, yes, totally, ah, um-hmmm, etc.)

Encouraging statements or clarifying questions such as “tell me more about that,” or “I’d like to hear more,” or “what did you mean when you said....?”

Validating feelings by naming them:  “I know that you are really angry,”  I can see how disappointed you are,”  “It made you really sad.”

Paraphrasing or repeating what the other person said, the short version, in your own words, and then checking “did I get that right?” or “is that what you meant?”

Summarizing what the person said is a strong way to communicate that you have listened and heard.  It includes a brief overview of the content of what was said, as well as acknowledging any attendant emotions. 

Pausing before speaking is also validating because it illustrates considering and digesting what the other person has said, a form of validation in and of itself.  It serves to slow down the process of communication which can inject a sense of space and calm into a conversation that may be emotionally charged.  Provide space for the speaker to talk and to pause as well, as someone may be collecting their thoughts and may not be finished speaking.  If you jump right in when someone pauses, you may short-circuit the communication flow.


Mindful listening is the essence of receptivity - allowing another person to express themselves without interrupting, judging, refuting, or discounting.  It truly sets the stage for effective communication, and is the gateway to understanding and connection.  The spirit of non-defensiveness is essential - you may not agree with what is being said, but the attitude is one of attempting to understand and acknowledge another’s feelings and point of view.  This is the exercise of walking in another’s shoes, an effort to feel their life experience and process.  Try it and remember that it takes focus, practice, and a compassionate attitude towards the self and others as you cultivate your listening skills.  Back to basics in the twenty-first century - in communication it all begins with listening!