Break Me (Larry Stylinson)✔️

15

2016

He shouldn't be here in my room, and he defiantly shouldn't be here beside me in my bed... but he is. His hands slowly moving over my body in a soft motion, there is nothing sexual about his touch it's just a hand movement that makes me feel like he missed this, he missed laying here don't having to care about anything at all.

"I remember how scared you were... I remember the look on your face when I knew I had lost you" he say it so calmly like a statement, it's like he doesn't really want me to answer him.

"I know I did a lot of things to you that scared you, I wanted you to be scared of me in hopes that you would leave me. I wanted you to leave me so I didn't have to leave you. I couldn't walk away from you but I also knew I couldn't be with you" he stops his hand motion and just lay there beside me with his hand flat on my stomach.

"I thought you would leave me after I held a gun to your head, I was so sure you would have walked out of the house and never came back to me... I was wrong, you stayed and that only made things worse, I fell for you I really did and I was for the first time in my life scared. Im scared right now actually..."

He stops and just looks at me before he pulls me close to his body, so close that it feels like my body is on fire from his warm touch. I haven't been laying beside someone for so long.

"I'm scared that I will break in to a million pieces and that you will just leave me standing without you. That you will leave me for someone who doesn't make you feel like you're not safe."

He sounds so scared, like a little boy who lost his mommy. 

"I don't even know why I left you there in the fire, I don't know why I let you walk home alone and I do not for the life of me know why I left with someone else." The regret that fills his voice is something I've never heard before, he have never regretted something in my presence before.

"I don't feel unsafe... that's the scary part of it all." I whisper out and his hand motion just stops, it's like my words stunned him to the point that he doesn't know why to do with his body anymore.

"How?" That word is something I've been asking myself ever since the beginning... how? How come after everything I'm not feeling unsafe? How come that right now when I'm laying in his arms after everything we have been through I feel safer than ever?

How? How? How?

"I don't know the answer for that" I say and then it just stops, our conversation dies with those words and we just lay there in silence just looking up at the roof.

2014

I don't know what to say or what to do, I just lay there beside him, I don't even know if he though it was any good.

He has the same expression on his face as always so I don't know if I did something wrong.

"Was that okay?" I ask and I can already feel my face heating up, what the hell am I thinking asking him that? Now I sound super awkward and weak.

"Of course baby" he say and kisses my forehead. I don't know why I feel like he isn't telling the truth. I feel like he only say that to make me feel better about myself!

I was so nervous that I couldn't stop thinking about if I did something wrong during the whole time so I know he must have felt how awkward I felt like it was.

I couldn't even relax enough to actually finish... pathetic.

"Don't worry too much love, not everyone is good at sex."  Ouch... that hurt.

My second time and he say that to me...

"I'm only Fucking with you Harry, it was amazing I promise..." he stops and then looks at me with a small little smile.