A Day Without You

When I Was Home

I like the nights rather than the days. All the lights, all the life... It's easier to blend in.

I've been living alone for quite a while now. I like it that way. I do enjoy the company of others but there was no one I wished to get acquainted with on a personal level. Women pleased me, so did pubs but alcohol was my best friend. That's more or less how I enjoyed my life. During daytime, I tend to get on the bad side of most people. I have a history of saying the wrong things at the wrong time... not that I regret any bit of it. I am smiling as I am thinking all these things. I never regret the fact that I chose such a life for myself. But as I sit here on the balcony of my small, dimly lit and dirty apartment, there is only one thing that always comes to my mind as I have a late night drink...

The regret I feel for hurting him.

Whenever I see a kid outside, I feel like I keep seeing him, calling out to me saying "Hyung!". Many people have called me that, but his voice is always the one that keeps ringing in my ear. It was frustrating at times and painful for the rest of it. I am irritated at myself all the time for not being able to forget him even after all this time... but also, somehow happy about it.

I hate my past, I hate everything in it... except for Shinwonaa.

My life has always been brutal on me. It doesn't seem so now because I stopped giving a damn about it. But back when I was a kid, bearing with it was like running through hell. In the beginning, I never had what one calls a 'home'. I never knew my father and frankly, I don't think even my mother knew who it was. She always had flings with odd men and somehow, she ended up having me. One can easily tell that for this reason, I was not exactly one of the favorite things in her life. We moved a lot from here and there, according to my mother's whims. Then things started to go in a different direction altogether.

I still have no clue about what suddenly dawned upon her, but she decided to live near one of the idiots she dated. So we moved again, but this time... things went very differently for me. I was always pretty excited about moving to a new place back then. I didn't know the reason behind it yet so it was pretty easy to be happy about it. But this was the first time I actually got the opportunity to interact with people.

I saw a park on the way while we were moving, so I decided to go there in the evening to check it out. As I went there, I saw other kids playing amongst themselves while a few adults were sitting on the bench under the tree, watching over them. They all seemed younger than me so I wasn't exactly intimidated by them... but there was a certain fear in my heart. This was the first time I got the chance to get to be between people my age.

I was panicking.

I didn't realize that a kid was standing next to me. As he tugged on my sleeve, I turned around to see this skinny and tiny little boy stand next to me. The curiosity in his eyes were pretty obvious. I was the new guy and he had questions about who I was. There was something about him that made me calm down. Maybe it was the fact that he came up to me by himself.It made me feel happy beyond belief.I didn't hesitate in stating my name to him and introducing myself. I gave the biggest smile I could, so as to seem friendly and happy. I saw him staring at me for a while and then saying, "My name is Shinwon", carefully saying each syllable. I couldn't help but smile at how thorough he was with it. Before I realized, the other kids had gathered around me as well, looking at me with the same curiosity. I guess I was loud enough to get everyone's attention due to all the excitement I had filled up within me.

But I couldn't forget the way he first looked at me.

We lived in the same direction so that was a good reason behind getting along as well as we used to. The time I spent with him, was the only time I was truly happy. Back at my old apartment, things were the complete opposite. My so called 'mother' didn't bother to prepare dinner for me at times and she didn't bother much about how I was doing at school... or even what I was doing at school.

It was as if I didn't even exist.

Even when she was there with me, she either completely ignored me or continuously blamed me for her miseries. Such a joyful childhood I had. I still remember sitting in an empty dark room, hungry beyond belief, practically wailing myself to sleep. Well, crying did help in a way. I started to realize what would be happening everyday from then on but that didn't make things any bit easier for me. That was all the more reason why I started looking forward to spending time with Shinwonaa. I always got hyped up when evening drew closer. I would always go out early and wait for him at his building's gate, so that I could greet him first thing he comes out of there. I was pretty desperate back then.

I used to do this mostly because I liked being with him but also,  because he was my saving grace.

That confident yet innocent smile of his and always calling after me saying "hyung"... those things got me through a lot of tough nights. Back then, I couldn't even think about losing him. I refused to let go of his side during the time we played in the park. He was the only thing that made me feel like I was still alive and that I mattered something to someone.

He was the only thing that made me feel at home in such a cruel place.

But even after all the effort I put into making things right, life didn't bother to have mercy on me.