A Day Without You

Living In A Lost World

Once I woke up again, the sight was quite similar. People standing above me with worried faces... that's all I saw. Hyung was still there and even though I was happy about it, I couldn't help feeling fear. It felt like a dream and I was scared I was going to wake up from it soon enough.

The pain wasn't leaving my body as fast as I'd wanted it to. I could barely move in the beginning. It was a disaster every time I tried to move. My voice was lost for almost 2 weeks or so and my head was pounding like crazy. I was awake and well then so I started to feel the real thing from then on. The medicine was there but it wasn't helping me much with these things. I kept worrying about whether or not I will be able to work properly again. The doctor made it quite clear that there won't be any permanent damage but still, I wasn't ready to believe in words unless I saw the outcome first. My mind kept going around in circles thinking about all these things and that added more pressure to what was already there. I could barely sleep anymore. It wasn't always the pain that kept me awake, it was that exact same fear.

The fear of not being able to do what I love again and the fear of not seeing him again.

After so many years, he was this close to me and he was waiting for me. Every time he went out of my hospital dorm's door, I expected the worst. But he returned every single time. I wonder, did he feel regret about what happened. I didn't want him to, but there was no way I could tell him. I kept waiting for my voice to become bearable enough to speak with but deep down, I didn't want that time to end. I know, I'm pathetic for thinking that. No one was happy back then but I wanted to keep holding on to him, even if that led my own misery. I honestly never expected myself to think like that, not after I had seen my parents completely terrified and broken about what had happened to me. My mother cried at least once every time she visited me.

Watching her like that was hell.

To wish for such a devastating state to have kept going... I am the worst. I sometimes do scare myself, when I think about how much I change when it comes to hyung. I never liked this in myself but, I could never let go of it either. But, I always felt something was off amidst all this. Nobody asked me the questions they were supposed to. I expected a lot of things to come up while I was at the hospital but, no one wanted to know. I was tired most of the time at the beginning so I got no chance of getting suspicious of anyone. But the thought lingered on at the back of my mind. The days I spent there were mostly all the same. I just slept, stayed awake, ate, spoke with my visitors, had tests and check ups. That was about it. I did enjoy the company of the guys though. It was the only time I felt like smiling. I wanted to laugh but that was still too painful for me. Sunbae came almost every evening to check up on me, sometimes dragging Detective Yang along as well. Sunbae always has been quite hilarious in his own way and I believe that was the first time I saw Detective Yang being funny as well. I never knew that man could joke around so much. It honestly helped me a lot back then. I kept forgetting I was lying in the bed of a hospital ward for about an hour or so. But their smiles always seemed to disappear momentarily when hyung stepped inside. They always ended up continuing with their words afterwards but, the looks those three gave each other... it felt weird.

There was a sense of familiarity.