Hateful Love

Chapter Seventeen

NOTE: I do not own any of the ideas or characters expressed in this story (except Cassie Jackson). All of these belong to J.K. Rowling.

~*~

Cassie P.O.V.

          It’s been two weeks since Matt’s death. The atmosphere has changed at Hogwarts; right after he died, the hallways were completely silent as people moved from class to class. Sometimes, someone would laugh in the quiet hallway but the sound would instantly be smothered, as though the person remembered what happened. But now, things have almost gone back to the way they were before he died. Almost.

          Katherine can still be heard crying at night, but it doesn’t happen as often and she’s been quieter about it lately. The three of us have started laughing again, which is almost a blessing. Last week, we were crying together and not speaking at all, but thankfully, it’s gotten better.

          Draco and I meet each other in the Room of Requirement almost every night now, except now all we do is lie together on the couch and talk endlessly. Without Draco, I know for certain that I would be having a much harder time getting over Matt’s death. He’s really been gentle with helping me through it.

          Now, we’re both curled against each other beside the fireplace at three in the morning. I couldn’t sleep at all, so I snuck out of my dormitory to meet him. I snuggle closer to Draco, and he rubs small circles on my back, reminding me of that day in the lake—it seems like a lifetime ago now.

          My eyes are just starting to drift shut when Draco breaks the comfortable silence by whispering, “I have to tell you something…and you’re going to hate me for it, but I have to tell you.”

          I raise my head up sleepily and look into his eyes with confusion. He looks so serious, and he refuses to meet my gaze. I entwine my fingers in his as I reply quietly, “I won’t hate you.”

          “Yes, you will,” Draco murmurs, the flickering flames illuminating his face. His voice breaks as he continues, “Cassie, I’m so sorry.”

          “For what?” I ask, sitting up and tucking my feet underneath me. His tone of voice is scaring me.

          Draco takes a deep breath and focuses his eyes on the floor as he whispers almost silently, “For telling you that I’m a…I’m…a Death Eater.”

          I don’t say anything. At first, I think he’s joking, and I almost start laughing. But he looks so serious, so terrifyingly serious, that I know he can’t be joking. I stare at him, keeping my face expressionless as I try to think of what to say to this. The silence feels as though it’s suffocating me, so I desperately try to fill it by saying quietly, “Draco…”

          “You have to—“ He swallows hard and lets go of my hand, resting his elbows on his knees. “You have to know that I didn’t want it. I never wanted any of it, Cassie, you have to understand that.”

          My chest feels like it’s caving in on itself as I whisper, “Then…why?”

          “My father,” he replies coldly, and all I can hear is the hate in his voice. “It was my father.”

          I don’t know what to say. My stomach is churning, but my eyes never blink to look away from him. All I can think is, Matt knew, he knew, and you didn’t listen to him. Draco runs his fingers through his blonde hair and mutters, “Look, I had to tell you because I couldn’t stand the guilt anymore. You had to know.”

          “Draco…” I start again, but he cuts me off.

          “I won’t blame you if you never talk to me again. The only reason I waited so long to tell you was because…well, I didn’t want to lose you. But if you want to leave, I won’t—“

          “Draco,” I interrupt. He still won’t look at me, so I murmur quietly, “I’m not going to leave you.”

          This actually makes him look up at me. I can see the hope in his eyes, however small, as he says, “You…you don’t hate me?”

          “I feel like…I should,” I whisper. “But I don’t.”

          Draco’s just as surprised as I am. He doesn’t say anything as I reach for his hand again, and I look deep into his eyes. I force myself to push Matt and the crushing guilt out of my mind, saying, “I think I…like you even more for it…just because you don’t want it.”

          “Cassie…that’s not it.” Draco’s looking guilty again, and he avoids my gaze by turning away from me to face the fire. “He…he gave me a task, and if I don’t do it…he’ll kill me.”

          I rest my head on his shoulder and pull myself close to him. Just the thought of losing Draco causes my eyes to water. I squeeze his hand as I reply quietly, “What is it?”

          “You won’t like it,” he sighs tiredly, and he sounds so much older.

          “Draco, it doesn’t matter,” I murmur, staring into the flames as well. “You can tell me.”

          “I have to…” He sounds so scared as he chokes out finally, “I have to…kill Dumbledore….”

          There’s nothing but the crackle of the fire as I try to think of what to say to that. What do you say to something like that? I try to imagine Dumbledore, someone who’s been headmaster since my first year at Hogwarts, just…gone. I want to tell Draco that he doesn’t have to, that he can just get out of it somehow. But I know, deep down, there’s no way. I clutch his arm tighter and whisper, “When?”

          “…soon,” he says quietly. “This month, probably…I’ve been putting it off for way too long.”

          “Will you get hurt?”

          This is what makes him turn to me, and I look into his grey eyes. Draco replies almost soundlessly, “I don’t know.”

          This is in no way reassuring, but I try to push away the worry that’s already blooming in my stomach. “Well,” I say, my voice shaking slightly. “You’d better not, because I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

          Draco stares down at me, and he seems like he’s attempting to hide a hopeful expression as he murmurs, “Are you…are you sure? Cassie, you don’t have to…”

          “I’m proud of you,” I interrupt gently, rubbing my thumb on the back of his hand. I blush slightly as I continue, “You’re really…brave.”

          This finally makes him smile. He leans closer, tucking my hair to the side and whispering in my ear, “I thought you would leave me…”

          I reach up and put my other hand on the back of his neck and pull him gently down with me, lying on the couch with Draco on top of me. Our cheeks brush as I murmur, “I could never leave you.”

          His lips find mine, and I allow my hands to wander down his back and reach underneath his shirt, feeling his bare skin. Draco pulls away to kiss gently down my neck, and I press myself against him. I open my eyes to look into the fireplace, and think silently to myself, Matt…I’m so sorry, but…it’s time for me to let go…

          The flames flicker just as brightly as before, and Draco pulls my attention back to him as he kisses my lips again. I close my eyes, and a few tears fall as I kiss him back.

Matt…I hope you can forgive me, but it’s time for me to let go…