[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames

04

I don’t want to go out. He said that his parents really want us to come over to the barbeque. But, really, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be around people. Andi has kept me up for the past month. In the past month, I've probably gotten about thirty hours of sleep. That’s one hour of sleep a night. Because when she’s asleep, I'm terrified that she’s going to wake up screaming and crying and I’ll be so out that I won’t hear her cries.

“Abuela wants to see you and she won’t stop calling me until I agree to come today. Should we go, baby girl?” I tell her, even though I'm not going to get a response. She’s too giddy all the time for me to decipher if she wants to go. Besides, she doesn’t understand a word I'm saying. “Daddy wants to go. He said we should go. I think he just wants an excuse to drink with his friends.” If she was older and could comprehend what I'm telling her, I would never say a word about that. She can’t go tattletale and she isn't affected by it.

He’s been amazing, Mike. He really has. It was a complete one eighty, and I'm worried that he’s going to end up doing a three sixty. Everything for him changed so fast. I want to say it’s because he grew up. I know that it’s because Andi is here. Who knows if he would have grown up if Andi wasn’t here?

At the same time, I find myself wondering if I would have just been a doormat and let him continue his behavior if we didn’t have Andi. I'm afraid he’s going to end up resenting the two of us, me mostly, because he knows that I won’t let a drunk around my baby.

“Men are so silly, Andi. He’s such a momma’s boy.” Reaching down into her crib, I wrap my arms around her, smiling as she giggles and reaches towards me with her short, chubby arms. “Maybe we can get some good food out of it. I’ll even let you try Abuela’s rice, but not the spicy kind.”

He’s already there. Who knows what he’s gotten himself into? Hopefully he’s been on his best behavior, because I don’t plan on texting him to tell him when I'm on my way with Andi. It’s destructive to our relationship and to my sanity, but I can’t stop but feel like I'm going to catch him in the act of something. I, just, things changed so quickly with him that I'm worried he didn’t really change at all.

I'm so programmed to think the worst that I can’t think the best and it hurts. It hurts that I can’t think about how amazing he’s been because I'm so worried that he only changed when he’s with us and he goes out and parties like he used to. I can’t lose him. It was hell thinking about him in the back of the tour bus with IVs attached to him and dehydrated. But, he was still there with me. There is no way in hell that I would survive him leaving me or him dying from doing something stupid like driving under the influence.

If someone heard my inner thoughts, they would tell me that I would be fine since I would still have Andi. And I know that I would be okay; I would have to be okay for her. But, I wouldn’t be whole. I've tried to be whole without him. It doesn’t work. That’s scary. It’s scary to feel empty without another person. My happiness is attached to Mike.

I don’t doubt him. I believe in him.

I'm just terrified. Of losing him. Of losing myself along with him. Of losing my heart. Of losing my daughter’s father.

Everything I've done in the past four years has really revolved around him. I became a tour manager. I searched for hours that would total days for a baby to adopt. I tried everything to try to make myself fertile. I stayed at home while he toured the world.

Do I resent him? Absolutely not.

Does he realize that I've done all of these things for him? Probably not.

But, does he love me? He does.

Andi looks at me and burps, causing me to laugh. It’s hard to be disgusted when the burp is so girly that it sounded like a hiccup. “You are your father’s daughter, baby lady.”