[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames

[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames [Preview]

I want to think that he'll be back tonight at a reasonable time, but I know that I'm ridiculous to even attempt to get myself to think that way. It's not like he ever really comes back at a reasonable time, and most of the time I'm asleep by the time he gets back. Yet, he has no problem waking me up by plopping himself on the bed, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer into his body. It's not always annoying, because most nights I miss his presence. I've become so used to sleeping without him that it doesn't really make it hard to sleep when he's not around.

But, it upsets me, because this is our time together, and it's more limited than it ever was before.

The good thing is that he isn't coming home high or drunk, or, worse, both. It's not that he doesn't drink anymore, because I know he does. I'm not stupid. But, he's not getting drunk anymore, and I'm proud of him. It makes him drinking slightly more tolerable. I know that he's trying, and I know that it's hard to be completely sober when all of his friends are drinking. I know that. It still sucks that he drinks, because he drinks a lot, he's built up a pretty high tolerance.

I'm trying to not ask for a lot from him. There's no reason to fight when he isn't coming back drunk or high, which is what I asked him to change. It's not right of me to think that he would assume that means coming home way past midnight, too.

Honestly, he's going to have to start coming home earlier. And he's going to have to stop letting his dumbass friends come over if this adoption is going to go through. He knows what he has to do and he knows what's expected of us if we want to adopt. It's the only option we have. While I messed up the possibility of the two of us having our own child, he's about to mess up the possibility of us being able to have a child at all.

Leaning back against the pillows, I bite down on my lower lip, not knowing how in the world to approach this with Mike. I know that I keep asking for him to change things, but there are so many things he needs to change. And he knows that whatever he wants me to change, he can tell me. But I sure as hell refuse to be okay with his behaviors.

My body is tired, I know it is, it's exhausted, but I can't seem to fall asleep. All I want is for him to be here. Maybe if he was here I would be able to fall asleep. I don't worry about him. He hasn't given me a reason to worry about him these past few weeks. But, I just, he's leaving soon, and I want him. He's failing to fulfill his vows.