[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames

03

“I've got it, Syd. You sleep, okay?” His voice startles me, because I completely forgot that he actually fell asleep with me. Mike climbed into bed at the same time I plopped down on the mattress, and he didn’t leave to go out with his friends. At one point, I could have sworn that he had his arm wrapped around my waist at one point. “I’ll go get Andi and see what’s bothering her.”

Spinning around to look at him, I realize that he already turned the lamp on his bedside table on, and he’s looking at me. I open my mouth to say something, anything, I shut it, pressing my lips together firmly because I realize that I have no idea what I want to say to him. There is nothing that I have to say to him and I don’t really care to think of something to say when I can hear Andi crying at the other side of the room. Blinking, I nod my head once, flipping over again, so I'm not facing him.

He sighs, and I think that he expected Andi to just magically make things between us better. I wish it did. I really wish it did. And for the longest time I was hoping that having Andi would make the two of us like we used to be, in the prime of our relationship. But, there are still so many things that he hasn’t apologized for. I don’t even think I want an apology. Two nights of staying at home with his newborn doesn’t prove to me that he’s a changed man. It just means he realized that if he went out the first night she came home with us he would be kicked out of his house so fast.

The mattress moves and I hear him walk over to her crib, to which she screams because she doesn’t know who is attempting to pick her up when it’s so dark in the room. Groaning, I toss my legs off of the bed and get up to turn on the lamp near her crib, because while her vision still isn't great it’s nice for her to be able to not be in complete darkness. “Andi, baby, what’s wrong, pretty girl?” I coo, walking over to her and Mike, reaching over him and turning the lamp on. Smiling, I look down at her. “Hi, baby.”

She glances at me as a sob racks through her body and she reaches out for my voice. “It’s past your bedtime, little lady.” Reaching out for her, I watch as Mike stares at me, but I don’t care, because I take my baby girl from his arms and hold her close to my chest. “Hi, baby, mommy is here. Daddy is here, too. You're okay. Nada puede hacerte daño, muchacha magnífica.” I realize that Mike looks at me funny, as if I wasn’t going to teach my little girl how to speak Spanish. He hasn’t been listening at all when I was talking to him about how I want to raise Andi Lynn.

“Seriously, Sydney, you need to get some sleep. Let me handle it.” His voice is stern, and I realize that whatever I just did made him feel useless as a father. Biting down on my lower lip, I hand him the quiet Andi and make my way back to the bed. It feels normal without him in the bed, and that upsets me, because it used to feel so empty without him in it. Now that he’s been around and sleeping in the same bed as me, I don’t know what to think anymore.

I'm so afraid that once Andi is older and doesn’t need so much attention all the time that he’s not going to be around anymore. I know that deep down I'm so opposed to becoming used to him being around because I'm so scared that he’s just not going to be around anymore and I’ll be left broken and Andi will suffer because of it.

He starts to sing to her, something in Spanish, and I don’t have enough energy to attempt to figure out what he’s saying. I'm exhausted. Andi has been a mixture of sleep and screaming. She’s my everything and I love her with everything I am, but she’s been extremely fussy the last few days.

I want Mike. I want him more than anything in the world. And as much as I love my baby girl, nothing can compare to how much I love Mike. He’s been my heart for years, and I can’t change that.

In a matter of seconds, the small lamp next to Andi’s crib is turned off and someone is in the bed next to me, once again. “Syd,” his voice is soft and timid, but I know that it’s not because he doesn’t want to wake Andi up. She doesn’t wake up for anything that’s going on around her. Spinning around, facing him, I raise an eyebrow, curious. “Are we, am I ever going to be able to fix things with you?”

Opening my mouth to say something, I close it, pressing my lips together, not wanting to just say things without thinking about them. “Mike, I love you, with everything I have. That won’t change. It can’t change. I, I would have stopped loving you long ago if it could change. But, really, Mike, only you have the power to tell if we’ll be able to fix things.”

“I'm going to, Syd. I love you. I love you so much. I don’t know why I did the things that I did. I think that I was so afraid that if I didn’t the band wouldn’t be together anymore. It was the role I played and I was afraid what would happen if I stopped playing that role. But, you're the most important person to me. You and Andi are my life. I love you so much, Syd, you have to believe that.”

Smiling, I feel a single tear of joy run down my cheek. I think that he just fixed things between us. “I believe you, Mike.”