[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames

I don’t think that anyone really understands what it’s like to be standing at the altar, looking right in the eyes of your groom, until you have been there yourself. But, I don’t know what I feel, not anymore, because my excitement is gone, because his eyes are bloodshot. Whatever happened last night at his bachelor party clearly did not stick to the list of things that Vic promised would be excluded. They're not going to tell me what happened last night, because it’s not something that guys do, they don’t talk about the bachelor party, especially with the bride, but I want to know, and I want to know now because this is not how I pictured my wedding day.

All of the pictures are going to be ruined with the red around his eyes. No one is going to look at my dress and they're not going to see the detail in the venue that I have chosen, because all they’ll see is his eyes. I've never thought that this was simply my day and only my day. But, I put so much effort into this and he’s, I don’t even know. He’s not hung-over any more. I know that, because I wasn’t stupid and I went with the late, evening ceremony.

I can feel the water filling my eyes, and I'm terrified that the makeup that Bailey used isn't waterproof, but that would be insane because I probably would have cried either way. I just didn’t see myself crying because he went overboard last night. Tilting my head back, ignoring the rabbi, I sniffle quietly, silently begging the tears to disappear. Maybe if I keep looking up the air will help them evaporate. “You're,” I whisper, my voice cracking, and he draws his eyebrows together in confusion, like I wouldn’t see his eyes, goddamn I'm standing right in front of him.

Reaching out for my hand, he laces our fingers together, pretending to understand what the rabbi is saying for my parents’ sake. Part of me wants to rip my hand out of his grasp, but that wouldn’t look good, it would look terrible. It’s stupid. Really, maybe I shouldn’t be here, standing at the altar with him. We’ve been doing so well. He’s been doing so well. I didn’t expect him to quit cold turkey, but I most definitely haven’t been giving him any leeway. I haven’t been touring with them, and maybe that is what’s been making me think that he’s been cutting back.

“If a person forbids something tangible to himself even without swearing an oath, he must fulfill his vow and he is forbidden to violate it, as it says ‘to forbid himself something, his word shall not be annulled; he must do everything that comes out of his mouth.’” I don’t want to hear what the rabbi has to say about vows. Vows are promises and he clearly can’t keep his. None of the guys can keep their promises. “And it says 'If you make a vow you must keep and do what comes out of your lips.'”

Leaning down, he presses his forehead against mine, trying to stifle his laugh as he hears people in the seats. “You know, I've been crying all day.” I want to pull back, so badly, I want to look at him properly and try to tell if he’s lying, but I can hear the crack in his voice, the vulnerability of it. “I don’t think I've ever been this happy. So, I'm trying not to cry again because I can’t mess up our pictures.” Glancing up at him from under my eyelashes, I feel my heart flutter. “I love you, baby.”