[MikeFuentes] I Want to Burst Into Flames

02

“So, how did the doctor’s appointment go? I'm so sorry that we missed it. I tried so hard to get out of going to the ceremony, but they wouldn’t let me bail.” I sit down in the chair across from the nineteen year old girl who is carrying the little girl that’s going to be mine in less than a few weeks. “Did you get a sonogram picture for me?” I'm sure that she wants all of this to be done so she doesn’t have to deal with me anymore, but she shouldn’t have gotten knocked up her freshman year of college.

I mean, she should have, because that’s how I'm getting my baby girl. That’s how Mike and I are getting our baby girl. It sucks that she has to deal with all of this, but I'm so ready for my little Andi Lynn to get here already that I could care less about offending this girl. Okay, so, Andi Lynn isn't her official name yet, because Mike still can’t decide between Emma Lee and Andi Lynn, but I like Andi Lynn and if he doesn’t choose soon I'm going to pick her name without his help.

She looks around the diner, waiting for Mike to walk in, just like she does every time, and I think she does it to make herself feel better about herself. The baby daddy bolted when he heard she was pregnant and Mike has only come with me to meet her the first time. I've tried to not let it bother me, but each time I find myself holding back my anger. No, he’s not coming, just like every other time, so let’s stop looking for him and get on with this so you can be rid of my baby girl and I can be rid of you.

“I got one, it’s in my purse.” I hate coming to these meetings with her alone, but most of the time I only meet with her at the doctor appointments. Only this time, none of the guys would let me skip out on the Kerrang! Awards like I wanted to because the guys were nominated for so many categories that they were bound to win at least one award. Really, I just wanted to be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat. It’s not like Mike leaned down to kiss me when the band had won the award. “Honestly, I have somewhere to be in ten minutes, so I'm just going to give you the picture and head on out.”

It doesn’t surprise me that she’s leaving so soon. If I was quick enough, I would have made an excuse, but I know what she said isn't an excuse. While she’s not allowed to do anything that would be harmful to the baby, she’s under a binding contract, I know that she still tries to keep up her friendships in the ways that she can. While she’s too young to be a mother, her words not mine, she’s a good person and I know that she wants the baby out so she doesn’t get attached. She can’t get attached and she can’t back out, both of which are also in the contract that she signed. It’s a closed adoption, so she has no contact with my daughter after she hands her over.

Suddenly, her nose scrunches and her hands fly to her stomach as her eyes grow wide. “Um, Sydney, I think my water just broke.”

&&.

I've been sitting in the waiting room by myself for about five hours now, as they wait for Heather to dilate the complete ten inches. Every time I called him, at this point it’s about fifty times, I was sent to voicemail. And every text message I sent him has gone unanswered. It’s not like he’s at home getting ready for Andi Lynn (I've officially decided the name of my daughter) because we have everything we need for her arrival.

It’s embarrassing. I'm here alone. I just want Mike to get here and sit with me and be here for this.

I know that he wishes the baby was ours, that I was the one in the hospital bed. But, I'm not, and I can’t be. While I know that he wishes we were able to have a baby, I know that he was okay with the adoption. Hell, he was the one who wanted to adopt. He suggested it and he kept pushing for it.

Then again, this was all in the beginning of our relationship.

I told him before he left to the recording studio to keep his cell phone on and near him because I was going to meet with Heather for lunch. He knew that I was going to call him either way, whether or not Heather was about to give birth. I've called him every time after I've met with Heather to tell him what had happened. Keeping his phone on was something I asked him to do. I flat out told him to keep his phone on and every time I was sent straight to voicemail.

&&.

Water floods my eyes as I look down at my baby girl resting in my arms, her skin completely smooth and her ten tiny little fingers gripping a small stuffed animal that my parents dropped off. “Hi, baby,” I whisper, looking down at her ask her fingers twitch slightly. She’s perfect and healthy and so little that I can’t imagine anything more perfect.

“I'm so sorry, Sydney.” Mike appears next to me, sweat dripping down his forehead as if he ran up the flight of stairs to get here. I spin around, Andi still sleeping in my arms, and his eyes grow wide and they're filled with regret. He missed her birth, and while I didn’t want him looking at some other woman’s vagina, I wanted him to be here when she took her first breath. “I missed it?”

I nod my head, biting down on my lower lip because his presence burst the bubble of ignorant bliss I was in. “Yeah, she’s about three hours old.” Looking down at her, I smile, even though I want to cry, because he did miss it, and I don’t know how much more he’s going to miss.

“I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean to miss it. My phone died. I swear, Syd, I had it on and I thought that it was on, but you didn’t call me. At first I thought something was wrong but then I realized that if something was wrong you would call me. I, I don’t even know what to say. Syd, I didn’t mean to miss it.” His voice is desperate and I can see how much this is hurting him, but I can’t get myself to forgive him for not being here.

Holding out my arms, I sigh softly. “Do you want to hold Andi?” It’s the only thing I can think of saying that won’t start a fight. At the same time, I don’t want to give her up. “Her name is Andi Lynn Fuentes and she’s seven pounds and seven ounces.”

He looks at me, his eyes capturing mine, and I realize that he’s actually surprised that she has his last name. And that hurts. “She’s gorgeous.”

“She is. I'm going to run to the bathroom.” Because if I don’t get out of here, I can’t keep pretending that I have the perfect little family.