Dear Katherine

The Big effing Bang

Dear Katherine,

       We had gone to the beach about two weeks before summer ended. It hadn’t been very sunny, though. Your hair was down and you wore a turquoise tankini since you didn’t like bikinis. And we hardn't swum.

       I had expected that day to be perfect… like that scene from Grease when Sandy and Danny were on the beach before summer ended. But the day went... awful.

       First off, you hardly spoke to me. You would never start a conversation or comment on anything anymore. And when I would ask you a question, you would either give me a yes or no answer, or just not reply at all. You had been very preoccupied. You kept staring out into the horizon and zoning out.

       The only time that you had looked like you were not upset was when we were sitting on the sand and you rested your elbows behind you and leaned your head back as you closed your eyes. You had looked so at peace… but then you opened your eyes and reality struck.

       “Jon,” you had started. And when you said my name that way, I just knew that you were about to tell me something heartbreaking. “This can’t go on anymore.”

       “What do you mean by ‘this’?”

       “Exactly.” You paused, staring at the sea. The soft wind had caused your hair to sway slightly to the right, and you looked really sad. “What is this, Jonathan? What are we? Are we friends, are we more than friends? What are we?”

       I had been quiet. Where was all this coming from? I had thought. “What do you want us to be?”

       “Damn it, Jonathan! Can’t you just be honest and tell me for once?! I’m tired of it always being what I want and what I need! What have I ever done to you that makes you want to give me what I want and what I need?! Why are you so…” you had broken off there.

       “So… what?”

       “So… not what I deserve.”

       So far, that had been the most shocking that I had ever heard you say.

       “What?”

       “I’m an emotional wreck. I’m never good enough. And I can’t control my emotions. I’m a broken piece of crap. Why are you so intent on making me feel good, on giving me compliments, and on treating me well? I don’t understand why—”

       “Because I love you, Katherine.” It had come off as a rushed, off-handed statement, which was totally not how I planned myself confessing to you to be like. “You’re smart, you’re kind, you’re beautiful… you’re extraordinary. I’m like an empty glass just waiting to be filled, and you just fill me up to the brim. I’m hopelessly hopeless without you. I feel like all my life I’ve been slacking, just waiting for something to happen—waiting for a Big Bang, and then you came along. You lit up my world. I find you more interesting and beautiful than all of the stars in the galaxy. You’re the one for me.”

       At that point, you had started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. It would’ve been weird if I comforted you. And it had felt more weird just watching you. It felt painful, actually.

 . And your voice caught on your throat as you started crying again. You had gotten up and you ran. And I was left, staring at nothing. For I had just lost my one and only. I had just lost my sun.

       Still and always will be yours,

       Jonathan.