Dear Katherine

Never was and never will be

Dear Katherine,

       During the last months of school, I had decided to go to the local college in town and study business and management and stuff. I heard news that you were planning to go to Oxford… which was in the U.K, if I remembered correctly.

       I didn’t know how I felt about that. Was I supposed to feel upset? Relieved? Glad? I didn’t know… lately I had a hard time feeling anything anymore, to be honest.

       When the last month of school rolled by, everyone had been busy getting accepted into colleges and getting scholarships. And well, I had actually been one of them.

       I had gotten a sports scholarship for my basketball in our town’s only college and that settled it—I had my future planned. (Actually, not really.)

       Graduation day came and everything was a blur and the next thing I knew, you had pulled me aside to talk to me. You had been wearing a green and white dress underneath the robe thing that all of us had to wear, and you smiled at me wearily.

       You had tucked a portion of your hair between one of your ears and sighed. “Hi.”

       “This is supposed to be goodbye,” I had said. “Why are you talking to me?”

       “Why not?” you countered. I had laughed rather bitterly and shook my head.

       You sighed and crossed your arms. “I’m sorry, Jon,” you had said softly. “I just… I'm really sorry. And I can’t continue with my life without telling you that first. I had to speak to you one last time.”

       “So this is goodbye.”

       “For now,” you had said. “Just for now, I’m saying goodbye. We’ll see each other again.”

       “I’m not sure if I’d like that, Kath. Every time I see you, it breaks my heart. So will you please end my pain already and just tell me goodbye… permanently?” I had swallowed back the lump that had started to form in my throat. During those past few months, I guessed that I had started to accept that I wasn’t going to get you back. To me, it was simple—I was either going to get you back, or not. No silver lining. And since it was obvious that the both of us were headed in different directions and it was safe to say that we've accepted it, it was just the right time for us to say goodbye.

       “You say that as if…” you trailed off, and then spoke again. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

       That sentence had sparked memories of that day at the beach. ‘I’m tired of it always being what I want and what I need! What have I ever done to you that makes you want to give me what I want and what I need?!’

       “Yeah, it’s what I want,” I had confirmed. You looked hurt after I said that. “Why the long face? You should be happy—we’re doing what I want this time, and what I need.”

       You had stared into my eyes; yours filled with hurt and regret. And for one second I had almost wanted to kneel down and beg you to tell me why you ended it and why you chose Logan and why why why…. everything!

       But I stood my ground. “Goodbye, Jonathan,” you had practically whispered. You gave me a hug that felt so bittersweet that I couldn’t even manage to hug you back.

       “Bye, Katherine.” And you had walked away. I couldn’t help but feel the heartache start to grow in my chest again as I continued to look at the girl who never was and never will be mine walk away from me… again. But that time, it was for good. You had left me for good.

       Forever yours,

       Jonathan.