I'm Not Okay [UsUk]

Scars

"Alfred Jones...Do you deliberately hurt yourself?"

"...Yes."

After the confession almost inaudibly escaped Alfred's mouth, at first not even realizing that he had said it, heavy silence fell upon the two boys and left Arthur speechless, his face going pale and breath turning shallow. "I-I can't believe this." He whispered in a shaky tone and gently took Alfred by both of his hands. "Show me."

Finding out that the one he loved actually did hurt himself purposefully made his heart shatter inside, but he had to remain strong. For Alfred. Even if he was close to doing it, he didn't cry.

"I can't do that." The American softly replied, fear visible in his teary eyes as he looked away. He felt so ashamed of himself, thinking that he was a genuinely terrible person who really didn't deserve a place to live or someone so kind as Arthur. The world was crumbling before his eyes, and all he could do was watch in pain. Watch as it fell on top of him and made him carry its weight.

"Alfred." Arthur's voice was stern and demanding, but with a hidden hint of worry and care.

Wordlessly, in a trembling and hesitating motion, Alfred pulled up the sleeve on his left arm, revealing what it seemed like dozens of perfectly lined up scars spread all across his sensitive skin, one particularly deep cut next to a bruise. The Brit couldn't help but let out a little gasp at the horrifying sight, not knowing what to say about it.

The boy he thought was happy for such a long time was... Doing this to himself? "H-how long?" He asked, catching a glance of Alfred's frightened, disappointed expression he couldn't quite read the feelings from.

"O-only a week or so." He got the reply quicker than expected.

So many scars in only one week?

Then what would he do to himself if it was a year?

I don't even want to think about that.

"Why?" By now, Arthur couldn't hold back crying, the overwhelming feeling taking over, and he embraced Alfred in a tight hug as tears softly rolled down his face. "Why would you do that?"

Alfred didn't know how to properly answer, since he himself didn't really understand. He felt sick for doing it, and with each cut hated himself more and more, but he just physically couldn't stop. The numbing pain he created had become an addiction, like a drug in which he drowned his misery, and in his mind, he deserved it all. Every single self-inflicted scar.
"I'm worthless..." He whispered, burying his face in Arthur's shoulder and accepting the embrace.

But hearing that hurt Arthur's heart even more. "Please don't say that." He spoke up, still tightly holding the other boy, afraid that if he let go, he'd lose him forever. "You're worth so much more than you think."

Oh, if only Alfred had the ability to believe those words.

Being surrounded with words like useless, stupid, brainless, worthless, idiotic, mistake or many worse ones directed at him for four years made him think that it was true, and it would be reallly difficult getting him back to a positive mindset again. It might take years for that.

"Don't lie to me, Arthur", Alfred coldly replied, but with sadness so obvious in the sentence said. "We both know m-my father is right about me..."

"No! No, he is not! And I know you won't believe me for a very long time, but Alfred, you're a wonderful person! The best one I know, and trust me, I have met a lot of people throughout life. You're talented, beautiful, kind and simply perfect to me. I-it hurts me so, so badly when you say things like these about yourself..." The tone of his voice got louder, and the family in the other room was most definitely able to hear him. But he didn't notice. "I don't know how I'd cope if I lost you."