I'm Not Okay [UsUk]

Draining Hope

Not more than half an hour later, after a calming walk through the sunny streets, Alfred was back at home. Feeling slightly jittery to open the door, he tried to do it as silently as possible - it was, luckily for him, unlocked so he was able to get in without a problem.
His father was still asleep, and loud snores could be heard from the man's bedroom, and when the boy checked the room, Matthew wasn't there either. Instead, he found a little message on the younger's desk.

I went to the supermarket, didn't tell dad. I'll be back until 7 PM. Hope you're back safe.
-Matthew

Slightly smiling at the small message placed on the work desk, he took the paper and folded it nicely to put in his own desk drawer. He liked doing that with messages from Matthew, for no particular reasons but to save them safely and keep them all in one place.

He placed his music sheets under the bed where they were always safely kept, away from trouble, and exhaustedly flopped down onto his bed after taking his shoes off. Despite feeling better than he usually did, Alfred needed a break, especially since not everything felt absolutely right that day. His mind tried focusing on nothing else but Arthur, but a part of him still reminded him of the scraps of darkness painted on the four walls of his home each time he would arrive home and face his father's anger. Through the years of living without his mother, his thoughts got used to thinking about nothing else besides how utterly miserable he felt as he grew older, and a happy moment like his first kiss with Arthur was one of the rare bright times in the past four years.

To have a little rest first, he decided to leave his homework for a bit later in the evening and picked up his phone, typing in the password and first checking his messages. His friends spammed the group chat once again, but he didn't pay much attention to that anymore. It was usually Elizabeta and Gilbert quarreling about something unimportant or Matthew sending pictures of memes in Danish that nobody really understood. Arthur would sometimes come up with a joke and throw it in there for laughter's sake, but Alfred and Matthew rarely spoke in the group. Only when something was really funny, someone needed them or if Arthur sent homework answers for everyone in the group, even Gilbert and Matthew who were not even in the same class.
Scrolling aimlessly through the internet and social media, he realized nothing was really interested, so all he was able to do was take his headphones, turn up the music, sit back and relax. It was always the best form of procrastination for him.

And to remind him of Arthur, he chose Shape of You from his almost infinite playlist, the song that the British boy loved so much.

Alfred had far too many songs on his phone, ranging from classical music to punk rock, and the list went on and on, new artists making their way on the screen with each day. He didn't really have a favourite, and it was difficult to choose one song that he loved the most, since all of them reminded him of something else and had a special place in his heart.

But not even fifteen minutes later, the door of his shared room was opened a bit harshly, his father stepping in with a tired face. "Oi, where's Matthew?" The man asked, voice low and croaky from the sleep he just woke up from.

Alfred turned off the music, spinning a little in his bed to face the man standing at the door. "Uh, he went to the supermarket. He'll be back soon, though." Feeling lucky that he wasn't complaining about how he hadn't started working yet, the boy casually spoke in a normal tone of voice, not feeling afraid as he usually did while talking to his father. And even though he already had a mishap today, there was nothing to worry about at the moment.

"Alright then." The tired man replied, closing the door behind him. Alfred wondered whether his father ever cared about him, how he felt, did he eat enough, is he tired, happy... No. The answer was most definitely no. The boy strongly believed that his dad doesn't give the slightest shit about him. All he wanted was for him to finish school, get a good job and provide money for the family.