Reverberation - Guns N Roses Fanfiction

NINE - the understanding

September 14th, 1991

"Where are we going?" Izzy asked for literally the hundredth time in five minutes.

"Don't you think I would have told you by now if I was going to tell you at all?" I scoffed, but smiled so he knew I was joking with him. "Stop worrying. You're so paranoid."

The atmosphere in the car shifted to something darker, somewhere un-treaded. I glanced at him. "Oh, I--sorry... I didn't mean to--"

Izzy didn't glare at me, but somehow the look he sent my way was just as hurtful. There was clearly something I'd said that had flicked a light off inside of him, maybe something he needed to talk about, get off his chest...

"Izzy..." my gaze moved between him and the road. "Is there something that--"

"No. It's fine. Just drive wherever, I don't care."

Now he wouldn't even look at me--he merely turned his head to the landscape outside his window.

"Hey, look at me." I waited for him to turn, but to no avail. "Izzy. Please. Just look at me." When he didn't listen, I pulled over to the side of the road--not a highway, but there were no buildings along it. At that action, he finally twisted towards me.

"What, Cassie? What do you want me to say?" Izzy's eyes were lethal as poison. "Yes, I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid as hell because I can't trust anyone and I almost couldn't make the trip here without having a mental breakdown, but I did it because of you. And..." he shook his head. "It's not from being off drugs--I'm used to that by now, so don't worry--it's because all my trust has been broken and I look at the people around me and I just think of what they could do to hurt me or the people I care about..."

There was a pause. I sensed it wasn't for me to speak, rather for him to gather his plethora of unorganized thoughts. I tucked my fingers into his, resting our hands on the centre console. He let out a breath.

"I remember earlier today, when we were just leaving your apartment--you said, you asked me, Trust me. You trust me, right? And I... I told you yes, but that was a lie. Because I don't trust anyone at this point. I don't know how to anymore. I'm learning, and I'm... I'm sorry."

Something in the way his eyes were downcast, or maybe it was just because of how vulnerable he'd been in my presence, really made me feel... understood. I knew what he felt--losing trust in the world and people around you, even when they gave you no reason to be that way. Losing faith; hope.

When he finally looked me in the eye, I think he saw that understanding. His expression seemed to liven up--just slightly.

"It's okay, don't apologize. I get that. Sometimes... I still can't fall asleep at night. Because of the people I've lost, the things I've done; things that have happened to me," I shook my head, refusing to give way to the tears lining up at the barricade I'd made for them. "I wish I could say it changes, that the feeling of danger being just around the corner, or the sense that with one wrong move everything will be lost goes away after time..." my voice lowered to a whisper, "But I would never lie to you."

For a moment, the only sign that he'd heard the meaning of my words were that his lips tightened and his eyebrows pushed inwards.

Then he nodded. Once. Twice.

I shifted into drive, and we were on our way again.