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1/26/17
THE COLD WINTER air whips around the building and hits me in the face making my eyes water from the frigid air. The sun doing little to help warm up the day so far.
Being back at school for my last semester is an odd feeling. I'm more aware of myself, and my actions then ever before. I ended up spending a whole week with my mother to begin to try and mend the relationship I broke. It's almost like meeting someone completely new. Little things about her that I remember just don't apply to her life at this time. She grew and changed over the years, just as I have.
I'm starting the new year knowing in four months I will be graduating and entering the real world. But not everyone I want by my side is surrounding me like I once thought they would. I use to picture Chase, Grayson, and me taking pictures together after crossing that monumental stage. Tossing our graduation caps in the air, eating cake, and drinking too much champagne. Every image that I once pictured has started to curl and fade at the edges. Knowing that I haven't spoken to Chase since Christmas pulls at my chest in a way that mixes pain with an ever-growing sadness that winds its way through my veins.
A part of me hoped Clayton would internalize my outing of his brother and not say anything. But through Grayson I know that isn't what happened. Cale called her in a fit hating that his brother felt the need to lie to him and his whole family. He also called to inform Grayson as if she wasn't already aware of his brother's sexuality. I held her hand as she admitted to knowing the truth. As another layer of secrecy became unveiled. Cale wasn't happy that she knew and never told him, but he also understood that it wasn't her secret to share.
A piece of him also understood more of why I did what I did. I know he still isn't a fan of me in any way. But he respected what I did for his brother.
It's a very unusual feeling to have everything out in the open. To not be hiding anything any longer. Not Chase's secrets, not my own, and in a way it's completely freeing. But in a larger way it still sucks. Because telling the truth doesn't fix everything. I still haven't seen or spoken to Chase even though I have texted and called him a few times, and I know Clayton will never speak to me again. I made him feel like a lesser person who sleeps with his brother's girlfriend, and then proceeded to out his brother in a way that even now shames me in a way that cuts deep to the bone.
I drop my head and shrink into my scarf attempting to stay warm in the single digit weather. My eyes focus on the cement sidewalk, and my feet crunch against the salt and continue to move my body against the harsh wind. I take a few more steps when feet enter my vision. I lift my head, but before I can take in my surroundings my body crashes into another unable to stop my feet from pulling me forward. My hands hit a down jacket and my headphones fall out of my ears in the process.
"Sorry," I mutter as I catch my footing and pull my headphones back up to place them once again in my ears. But as I'm fidgeting with the cord my eyes lock on a pair of familiar hazel eyes. Eyes I haven't seen in a month.
