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12/14/16
I CAN'T SLEEP.
So I'm siting in the kitchen eating some cereal at two in the morning. I want to be able to sleep, curl up next to my best friend, and let my fatigue take over. But every time I tried to close my eyes tonight all I saw were gold eyes that make my heart race and my stomach flip with an ache I've never felt before. And as soon as I woke up remorse hit me like a freight train as I took in Chase's peaceful sleeping form.
I want to run to the library, I crave the solitude and smell of books, but I know I can't go back. That's Clayton's spot, it's the space he needs, and I need to back away from anything to do with him.
My hand instinctually goes out to the book next to me, the book that Clayton suggested, but has suddenly become so much more. My fingers graze the worn spine, and I open the last book and begin to read. I've been holding off on reading the last book, for some reason not wanting to finish it. Not wanting to end the connection this book has given me to Clayton. But I realize more now then ever I need to end it, so I flip through the pages and begin.
A few sounds echo from behind me, and my heart stops and guilt rips through me as my eyes meet ones the shade of honey.
He pauses when he sees me and I can see the indecision and shame that coats his expression, and instead of continuing to look and challenge his stare I back down. I drop my gaze back to my now soggy bowl of cereal as unsettling nerves flutter their way through my body.
Surprise runs through my veins when I see him move forward and into the kitchen as he heads towards the fridge.
"Clayton," I breathe out before I can stop myself. I know I shouldn't say anything, I know I should leave him alone from here on out. But my mouth has a mind of it's own as it breathes out the only name it wants to speak.
His body goes ridged at my use of his name, and I can see the way it vibrates through him and affects his body. The silence that surrounds us is so quiet that it's deafening as it threatens to choke me.
I sit and wait. I wait for him to say anything. I need him to speak. I need him to acknowledge me in some way, even if it's to say he hates me and never wants to speak to me every again.
His head twists lightly until his eyes lock on mine. His face stoic as if he feels nothing, when I know that isn't true. Because I see what truly lies behind his light eyes. Pain, so much of it, and I did nothing to help. I found someone who I can connect with, but I didn't help him or myself. I made everything so much worse, because that's what I do.
"Don't Hayley," he responds harshly before he turns back to the open fridge. The yellow light fills the dark space between us. My only source of light before being the moon streaming in from the large windows that line the house, and my cell phone light.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, almost pleading him to accept it and know that it's the truth. I never wanted to add to his pain, and yet here I am just adding layers to his damaged heart.
