Lost | √

Chapter Fifteen

12/17/16

I KNOW CHANGE doesn't happen overnight.

But damn I sure wish it did.

I won't lie; talking with my mother after all this time I ignored her and walked away from our relationship wasn't easy. The conversation was extremely hard, and she was just in shock I even answered. I didn't know how to talk to her anymore. That in itself was a hard pill to swallow.

She didn't know me anymore. I wasn't a young teen who just lost her father to an act of violence any longer. I was an adult who saw the world in my own, albeit slightly twisted, way. My mother didn't know all the issues I had harbored inside me, didn't know of the ways I make sure to keep everyone on the outside. Because my inside isn't pretty, it's dark and hard to maneuver through.

But I tried. I think at the end of the day that was all she wanted. Me, trying to move forward and mend our broken relationship. Me simply stepping up.

The conversation didn't last long, but I promised to answer the next time she called. I promised I wouldn't keep hiding behind our past, and continue to use it as an excuse to keep her away. I promised to stop blaming her. It was something I did when I was younger, and after my father passed it was easier to aim my hatred at her.

It wasn't easy to speak to her, to own up to my actions when I know they hurt the person who gave me life. Breaking down these walls that I've built up for so many years won't be easy. And I know it will take time, but I also know I have to change.

I can't continue to act the way I do. I can't sleep with nameless men in hopes they make me feel something. I can't keep parts of myself from my friends and pretend my past doesn't exist. I can't act like my mother is the cause of all the pain in my life. I can't sit back and let Chase fall into the same pattern as me, hiding behind a version of him that isn't true. Becoming more and more lost in this world.

I sit in the empty library as the books surround me and offer me a peace I find difficult to acquire in the real world. I tend to come down earlier in the evenings now so I don't run into Clayton. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable, I want him to be able to heal and I feel as if I'm stopping that for him.

My fingers flip through the pages of a random book I grabbed, though it's not holding my interest as my thoughts wander over the past few days and the entire winter break in general. So little yet so much has happened in this short amount of time it's startling, and yet I needed every single thing. Every moment, every conversation to happen. I needed it all more then I could even comprehend.

My phone buzzes against my leg pulling me out of my head. I glance at the screen and see Kylie's text asking me what I'm wearing tonight.

I have to admit a night out on the town sounds exciting. A night with friends, some alcohol, and endless dancing. It sounds fun, and I need some simple fun in my life. Knowing I can't bring a guy home also makes me feel lighter. I'm still dating Chase. But I don't feel this heavy presence weighing on my chest that usually takes over when I know I have a night ahead of me. I don't feel the pressure forcing me to drag someone into my bed to make me forget, to pretend they make me feel when they really only numb the pain.