I felt terrible- I couldn't explain why. It was just one of those times where I wanted to curl up and cry. I just was mentally failing, and no one seemed to notice- which is fine, I didn't want anyone to notice. This happened a lot and I couldn't explain why. Everything was perfectly fine, but I wasn't and there was no specific reason to that.
We had reached the Schuylers' house and I still felt bad about using them. I know they offered for me to stay, however, I still felt like a horrible person.
We stood on the doorstep, whilst Angie opened the door, "Dad is not back until 8pm, so we'll have to feed ourselves..."
I felt someone grip my hand, "Are you ok?" I looked to my left to see John studying me, his eyes filled with concern.
"Yeah..." I pulled my hand away, rejecting the contact, "I'm fine..."
I glanced at him through the corner of my eye. He wore a hurt expression and I immediately felt bad. I was being such an asshole, taking out my self hate on him.
Angelica opened door within the arched doorway, stepping inside. I followed, looking around in surprise as I adapted to my surroundings. The Schuyler house was grand, marble floors and fresh painted walls. A chandelier hung above, a million lights lit up across it as it beautifully floated. A curved stairway was in the centre, floored with red carpets that seemed to run for miles.
John shrugged, "You get over it..." noticing my shocked expression. Angelica and her sisters began to trek their way upstairs, John and I following close behind. As we travelled upwards I studied the framed photos hanging on the walls. Many memories framed and left to be dusted over. I saw a dark-skinned women in many, with the young Schuylers as children. They smiled happily with a man who I assumed to be Mr Schuyler at their side.
John had told me their mother left a few years ago; it had been a hard time for the sisters to adapt. It made me reiemnice of when I was a child. We may have not have had a lot of money or a grand household, but we were as happy as they were. But happiness doesn't last forever, never mind how much you own or how much money you have.
"Here we are!" Eliza cheered, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards a blue door. Angelica rolled her eyes, "Do we really have to go in your room?"
Eliza ignored Angelica protest, pushing me in and closing the door. The others didn't follow. Eliza gave me a smile, "Make yourself at home,"
Shyly, I hesitatingly took a seat on the bed, "Your room's massive, 'Liza..." I muttered, studying the baby blue walls.
She took a seat next to me, "Yeah..." she sighed tiredly, releasing a yawn as she placed her head on my shoulder. I felt a warm feeling enlighten me at her action; calm in a strange way as her touch seemed familiar. I couldn't place to why it was so familiar and comfortable, however, it felt wrong and I couldn't explain why.
I felt my eyes droop slightly, instinctively wrapping my arms around her torso to pull her closer. I liked John, but it was toxic and it felt so tense. With Eliza I didn't worry about a thing, everything was so simple. But was it meant to be that easy?
Suddenly, the door swung open and in walked the others. "Hey, Eliza tell your sisters tha-" John stood there, looking hurt and angry. Peggy crossed her arms disapprovingly, Angelica looking defeated.
I felt Eliza jump away from me, her cheeks burning, "It's platonic!" she blurted. I didn't really express anything, feeling my shoulders weigh down on my torso. To be honest, I hadn't slept or eaten in- I couldn't remember.
John's expression drastically changed, "Alexander, are you alright?" he leaned down to face me. I nodded unconvincingly, not being bothered to even try. John shook his head, his eyes not leaving my face. He got up, I being hopeful he'd drop it and leave. Instead he sat next to me, holding me tightly.
I released a sharp breath, feeling myself feel slightly dizzy. I felt guilty for being a burden, which made me want to throw up. But I knew I couldn't be sick, there was nothing to throw up. John was making me feel nervous and I didn't like it at all. I tried to push my way out of his grip, however, his hands held on tightly pulling me back into his chest. I gave up, too done to even try. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't, not in front of the sisters.
Eliza seemed to sense this, John giving her a look. "Come on girls, let's go see what we can find for dinner!" Eliza optimistically smiled, leading the sisters out. As soon as the door close, I moved away from John and stood up. My legs shook slightly as if my body was too heavy for them to handle- I mean, they weren't wrong.
John watched me, looking me up and down. His hands rubbed harshly at his jeans, then he stood up. He looked down on me, making me feel shorter than I was. I stood my ground, pulling my sleeves nervously into fists instinctively.
"Alexander..." John muttered slowly. He always calls me the occasional 'Lexi' or 'Alex', but never really 'Alexander'- which meant he was serious. "You look like a mess, please talk to me,"
I shook my head in protest, bringing my sleeves up to rub harshly at my eyes. I wasn't going to cry again, all I ever do is cry and that's pathetic. John reached my wrists lightly, pulling them gently away from my face. He eventually brought his hands away, one reaching for my cheek. I shivered slightly at the contact, as he carefully swept a loose strand behind my ear. He kept his hand resting on my cheek. I sniffed slightly, my hand resting on his. "Alexander..." he repeated, leaning closer which caused his warm breath to hit my cheeks, "Please, what's wrong?"
I just moved backwards, which resulted in John having to pull his hands away. I felt my legs begin to give up on me, John noticing and quickly holding me up, "Alexander, you can hardly stand, please tell me what's wrong..." his eyes were weak with worry and burning desperation, his gaze dawning over me.
I couldn't bring myself to respond, completely falling mercy to John and hanging off of him. "Alexander..." John had given up with trying, releasing an irritant sigh. He pulled me towards the bed, keeping me up. He sat up against the headboard and pulling me into his chest. His body seemed tense as I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his chest, snuggling deeper into his embrace. John released a sharp breath, bringing his fingers to my hair as he untangled the knots.
I craned my neck to look up at him, he was chewing his bottom lip as if deep in thought. A long pause seem to go on until John broke it, "When was the last time you ate or even slept, Alexander?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, "Um, Tuesday?"
"Alexander, it's Monday," John almost spat in disgust, making me frightened slightly, "You can't remember can you?" he accused.
A few seconds went by, "No..." I eventually mumbled, instinctively tightening my grip around John.
John just released a growl of anger, sitting up and forcing me to face him, "Why?"
"What?"
"Why don't you want to look after yourself?"
John's eyes never left mine, watching me like a hawk. I just stared blankly at him, "I forget..." I panicked, using the first thing that came into my head.
John rolled his eyes, unconvinced, " Oh, of course you 'forget', Alexander Hamilton obviously 'forgets' everything,"
I gave him a hard glare, "Well, what do you want me to say?"
John released a corrupted laugh, shaking his head, "The truth, Alexander, all you ever do is lie to me."
I felt myself, Alexander Hamilton, lost for words, "That's not true..." I unconvincingly mumbled.
"Why don't you want to eat?" John bluntly spoke, his eyes locked in a cold glare, "You always binge eat and then starve yourself for days..."
I felt nervous, I didn't understand exactly why I didn't want to eat. "I don't know..." I started, fiddling with my hands and giving a careless shrug, "I guess I just hate myself that much,"
John's eyes softened for a moment, before turning into a sharp look, "Stop being so careless as if it's nothing. It's not normal, Alexander, you shouldn't be thinking like this..."
"Well what do you suppose I do," I angrily spoke, shooting him a glance, "If you know the answers to everything,"
"If I'm sincerely honest, Alexander," John concentrated on every word he spoke, "I think you need to see someone, like a consular,"
I rolled my eyes, me as always being deniable, "No I don't, I'm perfectly fine!"
John chose his choice of words carefully, "Do you really believe that?" he muttered softly, each syllable rolling off his tongue like honey. Just sweet words, sticking to me like glue.
I found myself stuck for words, my throat burning with that familiar lump, "No..." I mumbled, feeling my eyes stinging. John spontaneously pulled me into his lap, gripping me tightly, "You're going to be ok, Lexi, I'll make sure of it..."
John pulled away, holding my face between his hands, "You just have to trust me, which is easier said than done- I know that," he sharply inhaled, "But just try for me, ok?"
"Ok..." I managed to get out, before John slowly leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips. He lingered for a moment, leaving me stunned as he pulled his head away.
"Come on..." John finally spoke, disregarding the fact that he just kissed me and left me lost for words, "Let's go find the girls and see what we can find for you to eat,"
He stood up, pulling me up with him. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to eat. I released an annoyed sigh at the thought. We made our way downstairs, John gripping protectively onto me. To be honest, it made me feel incapable and I hated it.
John led me to the kitchen, again, completely polished marble that seemed to spread for miles. The three girls were huddled over a large stove, arguing over how to make pancakes. John shook his head with a knowing smile, "Peggy, Angie is right you don't need that much milk, you're not feeding an army,"
Peggy gave him a glare, "Well it's like feeding an army when you eat John!" she stuck her tongue out childishly.
Eliza gave me a soft smile, "Alexander are you hungry, do you want anything?"
I went to say that I wasn't hungry, "I don't-" John cut me off immediately, giving me a look as he spoke, "Yes, he's hungry,"
I just took a seat on a nearby stool, nervously fiddling with my sleeves, hoping a distraction would hold me together so I wouldn't break like glass. There's only so much pressure you can put on glass before it breaks completely, pieces become misplaced and lost. I felt misplaced and lost.
Peggy came and sat next to me, giving me a mischievous grin, "Wanna watch Steven Universe with me later?"
I felt myself light up at her suggestion, "A marathon?" I raised an eyebrow.
Peggy nearly squealed with delight, "Yes! We can watch them all!" It made me happy to see Peggy being so pure and childlike. She really had a power to brighten anyone's day. John took a seat on the opposite side of me, pulling out his phone.
I watched him carefully, practically checking him out if I'm entirely truthful. Suddenly (as if knowing) John looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. I felt myself become flustered and quickly looked away. I heard John smirk and it made me nervously blush.
"Awwww, you two are so cute!" Peggy announced, me turning to face her and realising she had recorded it on her phone. I felt embarrassed and hid my face with my sleeves. John pulled my hands away from my face, "Take a picture, Lexi, it lasts longer," he horribly flirted, giving a wink that I could only describe as extremely bad.
"That was horrible..." I laughed slightly, crossing my arms playfully. John just glared teasingly, "Yeah and like you could do any better," John scoffed challengingly.
"Wanna bet?" my eyes slitting competitively. John just looked up and laughed, "Yeah right, you'd get too embarrassed you'd probably make yourself blush," he released a giggle at his own comment.
"That's not true!" I exclaimed, feeling heat rise in my cheeks, proving his statement true.
John just smirked at this, "Go on then, Alexander Hamilton, flirt your way into my heart..." he rested his chin in his hand, smiling mischievously down at me. His eyes were lit up brightly, curiosity burning within the dark pools that I could probably stare at for days.
"Um..." I stuttered, my face was practically red by now. I just blurted the first thing that came into my head, "I think your pants look hot Laurens I like you a lot!" I rambled loudly, before burying my face in my hands in embarrassment.
Angelica cackled, "That's the best thing I've seen all day!" Eliza glared at her giving her nudge, however, contradicting her action by smiling. Peggy was just done, practically hyperventilating in the corner.
John laughed loudly in response, standing up and moving my arms away. I looked at the ground, swinging my legs. He moved a hand towards my chin, lifting it to make me face him, "You're cute,"
I made some sort of inhuman noise as John leaned in towards my ear, "Hamilton, I like you a lot too..."
I pushed him away, "Shut up, Laurens!" I exclaimed, my hands gripping his jacket tightly.
John just laughed, leaning down and placing a kiss on my cheek. "Get a room you two!" Eliza rolled her eyes, taking a seat at the table. Angelica placed a plate of pancakes on the table, giving us each a plate. Everyone seemed to tuck in, Peggy practically covering her pancakes with sugar.
John pulled the plate towards him, placing a pancake on his plate and then mine. I glared at him slightly, "I'm not incapable, y'know,"
John's eyes met mine, "Eat then if you're so capable," he challenged.
I looked at my plate, gripping it tightly. I felt my stomach clench with nauseousness. A sinking feeling arising in my chest just at the thought. I felt John's eyes burn into me accusingly. "I'm not hungry..." I eventually muttered, shoving the plate away from me. John just sighed, the other sisters awkwardly kept silent waiting for John to respond.
"If you don't eat it, Alexander, I swear to god..." John threatened.
"I'm not a child, John..." I muttered pathetically, crossing my arms.
"Well if you're not a child, stop acting like one," John pulled my plate towards him, "Or I will treat you like one..."
John grabbed a knife and fork and begun to cut up the pancake. I watched him confused before he lifted a piece to my mouth, "Eat it," my mouth was clamped shut, I shook my head childishly in protest.
"If you don't eat it, I won't watch Steven Universe with you..." Peggy tried; I shot her a glare in response.
"Alexander, I swear I will ring Washington and get him to feed you this pancake himself, " John threatened, I backed away which caused him to wrap an arm around my waist.
"Come on, Alex, Angie's cooking isn't that bad..." Eliza tried to lighten up the situation, giving me a sad smile.
Everyone seemed to watch me and I felt like such a burden. Sheepishly, I took the piece of pancake into my mouth. It just sat in my mouth- I struggled to swallow and I didn't know why.
"Swallow it," John's eyes watched my every movement, "We'll be here all day if we need to..."
I forcefully swallowed it and then coughed dryly, "This is stupid," I announced as Angelica placed a glass of water in front of me.
"Yes it is, Alexander," John answered seriously, holding another piece in front of me, "But it's working,"
I turned away, "Stop calling me that!"
"Calling you what?" John questioned innocently.
"Alexander, you never call me Alexander," I sulked, kicking my legs, "I don't call you 'Johnathan' do I?"
"Well maybe I will stop calling you it after you eat this pancake," John pressured; I hesitantly leaned forward and took the piece. The others had all finished by now, watching as I ate which made it entirely more horrible. I took a sip of water to make it easier to swallow down.
John smiled, "Well done, Alex," he purposely didn't called me 'Alexander' that time. However, I still found something to complain about, "I'm not a child, you don't need to congratulate me,"
John rolled his eyes, "Mhm, sure you're not Alex," watching me carefully, holding his fork up.
"I'm full..." I whined, complaining purposely now just to annoy him.
"Hi 'Full', I'm John" he teased, pressing his lips together to hold back from laughing.
I growled, crossing my arms, "I'm not hungry,"
"I know you're not 'Hungry' you said you were 'Full'," John smirked, still holding the fork.
"Fuck off," I growled at him, causing John to release a fake gasp.
"Young man, you better stop that potty mouth now," John teased playfully, "Or I'll wash your mouth out with soap,"
Peggy released a snort at this; Angelica and Eliza started to clear up.
I just released a grunt of frustration, "I hate you,"
John just smiled, "Come on, last piece and then you can get down,"
I gave in, eating the last bit quicker this time before taking a sip of water. I stood up quickly, John following. John immediately pulled me into his chest, hugging me tightly, "See it wasn't that bad, was it?"
I wrapped my arms around his waist in response, pulling him closer, "I guess..." I mumbled quietly into his chest.
Peggy suddenly yelled, "Steven Universe!" and she run out the kitchen. John pulled away, "Come on, let's join her,"
We followed Peggy upstairs and entered yellow room. Peggy had a large TV and was sat on a beanbag in front of it. The TV hung highly on a yellow wall, a balcony positioned to the left of it; a bed further on.
"There are only two bean bags so one of you have to sit on the floor..." Peggy muttered, her eyes not leaving the TV screen as she flicked through.
John glared disapprovingly, "We can share, it's fine,"
I shook my head, "No, it's ok. I can sit on the floor guys," I announced, not wanting to cause any trouble. I had done enough for today, and it made me feel like crap if I'm entirely truthful.
John looked hurt for a second before sitting down, not bothering to argue. I sat away from them slightly, leaning against a wall. A few moments went by and Angelica walk in, Eliza close behind. They were holding blankets and popcorn. Eliza and Angelica had an argument with Peggy, making her share a bean bag with John so they could squish onto hers.
Angelica threw blankets over them and started devouring popcorn. Watching someone eat like that immediately made me want to be sick. I shivered slightly as it was cold, however, stayed where I was.
Eventually, John must've noticed, "Are you cold, Alex?"
"No, I'm good," I mumbled back unconvincingly, giving him a small smile to reassure him. John suddenly got up and sat next to me, pulling off his jacket. He wrapped it tightly around me before pulling me into him, "You liar,"
I just rolled my eyes playfully in response, before snuggling deeper into his embrace. My phone suddenly went off. I reached for my trouser pocket but John's hand was in the way, "Can you move your hand please?"
John just stared blankly at me, "Why?"
"I need to check my phone, John,"
John grinned mischievously, "Make me..." I gave him a competitive glare. I tried pulling his hand away but he wouldn't budge. After a bit of trying, an idea eventually came to mind. I felt my mouth shape into a playful smirk. I leaned forward and placed a lingering kiss on his jawline.
John's cheeks turned pink in response, whilst he was distracted I took this time to grab my phone. John eventually snapped out of it, giving me an annoyed glare, "Unfair, I'm meant to do that,"
I just gave him an innocent smile in response before scrolling through my messages. Thomas popped up on the screen.
