Charlotte Delaney has sworn off men. After one relationship disaster after another- including turning a guy gay!- Charlotte is so over the male species.
Isaac Fletcher had his heart cruelly broken. Yes, it was years ago. No, he never got over it. I...
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My family are crazy. I know I should have stayed in the womb. It was nicer in there. From the inside, I could picture what these people would be like, rather than having to live with the horrible reality of who they are.
I like my mummy. She's nice. She has very pretty dark hair. Her singing voice is beautiful, unlike Daddy. His singing voice makes me cry. Then he sings even more because he thinks that'll help. It really doesn't. I just cry harder. Then Mummy comes rushing in, tells Daddy he sounds like a drowning cat- whatever that is- and then tells him to go and do something useful, like fill the dishwasher. I'm not sure what a dishwasher is but I just hope he doesn't sing to it.
I'm not too sure what I make of my sister, yet. She's one that I'm still trying to work out. A few weeks ago, Mummy and Daddy went out and I didn't like that. They left me with Martha. I would have much prefered to be left with daideó and mémé. They spoil me with lots of hugs and kisses and sometimes, Uncle Lucas comes to help them babysit me and he strums his guitar and then I fall asleep. It's not because he's boring. I think it's because he's a wizard and his music is a spell.
That's one thing I like about Martha. Off topic. She likes to watch films about wizards and witches and a bad man with no nose. I like those films. Not a fan of the big thing that hisses in it but I like the rest. It's better than the other stuff she watches. And it's certainly much better than having to watch her and her friend flirt with each other.
Her friend has been over a few times to help her look after me. Not that they actually look at me. No, they pretend not to look at each other while looking at each other out of the corner of their eyes. It's what Mummy and Daddy do before they decide to put me in my bed and then leave me in the middle of the night. Then they start screaming. It's only happened twice this week. I'm not scared, though. Mummy is always smiling after and Daddy whistles. At least his whistling is better than his singing.
I even like my aunt, Sophie. Sometimes she watches me with a really sad look on her face like she's about to cry, but then whenever she picks me up, she holds on to me really tightly and won't let Aunt Emma take me away from her. Not that I'm a fan of Aunt Emma. Her perfume is really strong and I keep sneezing and then Uncle Dan tells Mummy that I'm coming down with a cold and then Daddy tells Uncle Dan that he's the doctor, not Uncle Dan and then Martha's friend gets involved and everyone starts to shout, "Sod off, Sam."
It's a very hostile environment being around this family. That's why I'd rather go back inside. At least then the noise was dulled by an amniotic sac, some internal organs, muscles and skin. Out here, there's nothing to protect me from the craziness. I hope it's not contagious. Or genetic. I'd hate to be anything like these weirdoes-
Oh, daideó! Daideó, come and save me!
My daideó walks past me, even though I'm staring at him. How very dare he?! I'm the most precious thing in the world to him. Or at least that's what he says. Maybe men tell you sweet things like that sometimes and then act like arseholes that pretend like you don't exist.
