Baby on Board

23

Ever heard the joke, 'How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' Well, here's another joke for you: How many men does it take to sort out a barbeque? 

The answer, even though it isn't funny but simply pathetic, is seven, if you were wondering. Currently, my father, my two brothers-in-law's, my brother, Samuel, Samuel's brother-in-law and Isaac were all crowded around the outdoor fire kitchen, shouting over one another about whose method would get the barbeque up and running in the least amount of time. 

Dad insisted that his method was the best. "Look, I'm the head of this family," he said in a threatening Godfather-esque tone of voice. Obviously, he's spent far too long watching Mafia movies. "I'll be doing it my feckin' way."

"But your way is wrong," Lucas dared to argue with our father.

Of course, once one stood up to Dad, they all started to vie for dominance, not least Isaac. "If we did it my way, we'd have dinner on the table in no time at all," he insisted, nodding his head in a condescending way. When he was questioned on his cocksure answer, Isaac simply smirked and said, "I'm Australian. We're Kings of the Barbie. Now, step aside and let me show you how it's done."

After that, I got bored of watching them all pissing around with the stupid barbeque. All I know is that they better get started as soon as possible because this baby and I were incredibly hungry and if we were starved any longer than necessary, I was all for killing on of the men and eating their flesh. I know it sounds extreme but I could not care less. I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I'm angry. I'm hangry!

"Honestly, I could get the barbeque started quicker than those lot," Connie, Sam and Dan's grandmother, noted. At ninety-one years old, I did not doubt that she'd be more than able to do so but one of the conditions of us women being allowed outside on this fine, sunny day was that we weren't to meddle in the cooking. Sunbathing, drinking and gossiping were all we were permitted to do. Not that Constance Courteney was one to stick to the rules. "Just throw a match on it and watch it burn, you imbeciles! It's not rocket science."

In unison, the men all turned to look at the crowd of women that watched them. To say that they were unimpressed with Connie's outburst would be an injustice to the incredulous look that they all wore. I could see Dad itching to shout back at Connie but he's grown fond of Dan and Sam's grandmother in the year that they've known each other and he would never disrespect her in such a way. Sam, however, didn't think twice before shouting, "Keep out of this, Constance! Now, can we try it my way?"

The elderly woman who was still young at heart, rose from her chair around the table and stormed over to where the men were and promptly took over. The other ladies at the table and I laughed at how Connie was able to put the men to work, doling out jobs for them all to do and making sure that they performed their task to her high standards. Meanwhile, we watched as they ran around, cowing to her every whim.

Emma and Evie, Dan and Sam's sister, were gossiping about some woman they both knew from their yoga class, while Mum and Sophie were busy discussing their plans for a joint venture. Martha was running around the vast garden, water gun in hand as she played with Evie and Alistair's two boys, her screams making me laugh as the boys squirted her once again. I already knew that she was purposely getting caught just so that the boys were having a good time and I couldn't help but think how lucky my baby would be to have a sister like that.