Black Poems

Despair

My ex colleagues

Laughing and talking

Presenting their new work

The pics look great

Sunny. Palm trees.

Sunburned legs in shorts.

And I am stuck here. In this house

Too afraid to move. Too messed up to live

Nowhere to go. Not knowing what to do

I sit in my chair and cry.

I am such a loser

That I can’t keep up

Can’t deal with life

Funny how one photo

Crashes through my defences

Breaks me down

And flushes me away

In a flood of my own tears

Sometimes I regret my decisions

And wished I was in a different place

I should have worked harder

Should have succeeded

Should have been there

With them. Having fun.

But I am not.

And I am at a loss what to do about it.

I thought I could have both.

Be a scientist. Work all week

And come home to be a wife and mother

Irrespective of where we are

Irrespective of what I do

Irrespective of how much I work

I thought I was smart enough

I was convinced I was strong enough

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I feel ashamed

That I don’t measure up

Not as a scientist

Not as a mother and a wife

I am just this despicable little pile of misery

That is a burden to everybody

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I wish I could be less.