Black Poems

Pretender

I sit in the shade

Cocktail in my hand

My feet in the water

Children splash, laugh and yell

And all I can think of

Is why can’t I just be happy?

The world around me feels fake. An illusion.

I need to get out of here but there is no way to go

I am self-medicating again

Drinking in an attempt to be happy

To get out of this black pit

To be free of the dreariness

To escape from life

It never works and its cost is high.

It works for a few hours

But then it pushes my head back under

And the black sucks me in again

I hate this new inability to cope

Even the tiniest of things

Is able to set me off

Just when I think I am doing fine

Something pushes me back over the edge

Siding down the slippery slope

I am painfully aware

That there is nothing there to break my fall

Something needs to change

I need to change

I can’t live like this

I thought that I was past the worst

I was wrong

It has only just begun

Dammit.