Jump | H.S.

Chapter 17

Harry's P.O.V.

"Please don't love me," I mutter as I stand up and leave her sitting on the sofa, looking extremely broken. Almost as if I've shattered her heart more than anyone else in the world.

I don't want to hurt her, and that's why I don't want her to love me. I can't believe she thinks she loves me. I feel as if she hasn't known me long enough to say a phrase so special like that about me.

Then she kissed me. It was so foreign yet so perfect. I want to turn around right now and kiss her again, just to get that fire inside of me back; but after our conversation, I won't be surprised if she never wants me to touch her ever again.

I walk to my room, shutting the door and locking it. I lie on my bed, and stare up at the white ceiling. She doesn't trust any man but me, and I feel as if that trust is on the edge right now.

I want to take the words back about telling her not to love me, but I can't put it in myself to even go back out there.

I do want her to be mine. To hold, protect, take care of, perhaps love even. But my emotions are all in a whack still from Darcy, that it doesn't feel right to love her.

Hell, it doesn't feel right to love anything. I hold my pendant in my fist, knowing that Darcy wouldn't want this. She wouldn't want me to be reclusive, hating to even be around people or getting a sore throat from saying a simple hello because I never talk.

Somehow Jumper's brought me out of that shell, shown me myself again. I smile as I think of how much we've gone through together in just the small time of knowing each other. It's not all good things, but I'm glad it was me she found.

My smile turns into a frown, as I think of how maybe she regrets me being there, saving her those times I have. But from the beginning she let me in. She let me in so quickly from what she's been through, yet here I am pushing her away because I'm afraid that something will happen to her because of me.

What am I doing? Why the fuck am I sitting in my room dwelling on the shit that I don't even know is going to happen. If I keep pushing her away, she's bound to hurt even more than if I let her love me. I should be happy that she might love me, but instead I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to hurt her, but I think I'm also afraid to get hurt as well. With Mike and his friends around, I can't afford to let anything happen to her. It'd send me over the edge, and I don't think I could handle it.

She's made it into my life, and I don't want to lose her. There's something holding me back from her though, and I know it's fear; something I need to learn to get over.

I care about her, I really care a lot about her; even more so after she kissed me. But I don't love her, no part of me loves her. I like her, but I don't love her.

I fucking hate this feeling, I just want it to go away; because I know it's hurting her. I can only imagine the things running through her mind as she sits out on the sofa, alone and abandoned.

Is she crying? Is she regretting ever knowing me and opening up to me? I can't see her hurt because of me, I've seen that once over pasta and I don't want to see it again.

It was just pasta and she cried, I can only imagine it now that it's her heart and feelings that are being crushed.

I wish I could've replied with an "I think I love you too," but I can't lie to her. I sit up and rub my temples as I know I should tell her I at least care about her. I don't want her to think that she's nothing to me, just someone to push away and protect.

I force myself to stand up, legs feeling like jelly as my mind still can't process the thought that she might love me.

To be truthful, it makes my heart flutter. I didn't think it was even possible for anyone to ever hold feelings for me again, but she does. She does a lot of things to me, and I have no idea why I don't love her back.

I open my door slowly, and listen for any sniffles or sobs. It's completely quiet, and I begin to panic as I remember the pasta incident and how she was going to leave. Did she leave?

I almost stumble out my door, as I make my way to the living room.

I let out the breath I was holding as I see her sitting there on the couch. I stop halfway, as I take in her appearance.

From the short time I was in my bedroom, her eyes look darker underneath, hair looks matted as if she had her hands all through it. Even her eyes altogether looked duller then normal.

You did this.

My subconscious tells me, making an ache occur inside of me.

She doesn't look up at me, instead continues to stare at the wall in front of her. "Jumper?" I whisper as I walk towards her. Her eyes leave the wall and focus on me.

"What are you scared of Harry?" She mumbles as her eyes burrow into my own.

"I-I," I don't know exactly how to answer her. I still love Darcy, I don't think I can ever love you.

I don't want something to happen to you and my heart be shattered once again.

I care about you quite a bit and it scares me.

Those aren't the answers I want to give.

"Myself," I mutter instead, causing her eye brows to furrow in confusion.

"What do you mean, yourself? You're scared of yourself?" She whispers, causing me to nod in return. "Why?"

"I have feelings for you, a lot actually. But I don't love you, Jumper. I just don't think it'd feel right to love again, and I know it's only my mind pushing these thoughts onto me, but I can't shake them."

"You don't think it'd feel right to love again?" Her lip quivers and I wonder if she's taking it the wrong way. "Am I different from her? You said you'd give anything to go shopping with her again, and that means that you would've went to the theater and she'd be alive in order for that to happen; meaning I wouldn't be here. I know you love her, but was I just something to protect, because you couldn't protect her?" She almost chokes.

I take in her words, as a scowl crosses on my face.

If nothing happened to Darcy, I know for a fact that I wouldn't be so protective and defensive of women when men speak about them. I know I wouldn't have the huge urge to be so protective if it wasn't for her death. I know I wouldn't have gotten this deep with Jumper if it wasn't for that.

I would've said something to Mike at the bar if I was there, but Darcy would've been with me, so I would've dropped the issue after a few punches.

It sounds so terrible coming from her mouth, but she's right. I can still hear my father's words in my head, about not being able to protect all women. But I've had this thirst ever since four years ago, that if I was around, I wouldn't let anything happen to another woman if I could prevent it.

I prevented it with Jumper, and I want her to understand it from my point of view. It's not that she was just something to protect, but I knew I had to protect her.

"It's not like that. I never thought of you as just something to protect," I reply.

"You said so yourself you wouldn't have been at that bar if she was alive, but what if you were? Would you have protected me?" She almost snaps as her eyes continue to get glossier and glossier.

"Yes, I would have," I'm getting frustrated. I can't seem to make her understand how I feel about everything.

"Would you have taken it this far though?" She asks, gesturing to her being here.

"No," I mumble, hating my answer.

"That's what I thought," she cries as the tears begin to fall down her cheeks.