Ø When you’re upset imagine a T-Rex making a bed.
Ø I don’t have a Facebook or a Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I’m doing at random times… I’ve got 3 followers so far, but I think 3 are cops.
Ø Remember, women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Ø How to find the name of a song: Type the all the words you know in Google and hope for the best.
Ø Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Ø If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need. Not all this ‘how’d you get in my house?’ business.
Ø STUDYING: notice how they conveniently put “DYING” at the end of this word.
Ø True Fact: the average human body contains enough bones to build an entire human skeleton.
Ø Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Ø You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Ø Roses are red My name is Dave This is really random Microwave.
Ø When someone says ‘I like your shirt’ you look down to see what you’re wearing.
Ø 10 Facts about you:
1. You’re reading this right now.
2. You’re realizing that is a stupid fact.
4. You didn’t notice I skipped three.
5. You’re checking right now.
6. You’re smiling.
7. You’re still reading this even though it’s stupid.
9. You didn’t realize I skipped eight.
10. You’re checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.
11. You’re enjoying this.
12. You didn’t realize there’s only supposed to be ten facts.
Ø I will not yell in class. I will not throw things in class. I will not have a temper tantrum. I will always be good. Because I am the teacher. I am the teacher. I am the teacher.
Ø The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.
Ø Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them they die. (come on its so dumb its funny)
Ø Kiss me if I’m wrong but dinosaurs still exist right?
Ø You can’t buy happiness but you can buy ice cream and that’s kind of the same thing.
Ø Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and then I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!?”
Ø Beauty is in the eye of the Beerholder.
Ø My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.” I got in trouble after asking witch end.
Ø UGLY. There’s no “I” in it, but there is a “u”
Ø If you say “Gullible” slowly it sounds like “Oranges”
Star if you tried this
Ø Who was the first person to look at a cow and say… I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out.
Ø Instead of LOL, try LSIMHBIWFEFMTALOL Laughing Silently In My Head Because It Wasn’t Funny Enough For Me To Actually Laugh Out Loud.
Ø Some days, I love you. Others I wish you’d drop a penny off the Empire State Building and then realize you love that penny and go after it.
Ø Things to do today:
1) Get up
2) Survive
3) Go back to bed
Ø Brains are awesome, I wish everybody had one.
Ø You’re so fake you make Barbie look real.
Ø Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
Ø A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Ø Id slap you but that would be animal abuse.
Ø We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I’ll pick you up after I finish laughing.
Ø Sticks and stones may break my bones but boys will break my heart and then my best friend will hit them with a bat. (That rhymes, I think)
Ø Officer: How high are you?
Me: No officer it’s, ‘hi how are you?’
Ø A blond a brunette and a redhead walk into a church and they ask what the holy water is. The priest says do something bad and then come back and you may drink. The next day they all come back and tell what they did. The burnet says, “I ran over a deer in the road.” Then she drinks. The blond starts laughing. The redhead says, “I killed my puppy” Then she drinks the holy water. The blond is falling over to her knees laughing, now the priest says, “What did you do Blondie?” She responds, “I peed in the Holy Water.”
Ø Dear teachers, There’s a reason students give you apples. Sincerely, Snow White.
Ø Alarm clocks: Cause every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Ø Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
Ø During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
Ø You never really know someone until you talk to them at 4 am.
Ø That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.
Ø I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button but I’m still at school.
Ø When killing them with kindness doesn’t work I’ve heard a baseball bat is quiet effective.
Ø Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye remove their brains from their skulls and everyone losses their minds.
Ø Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Ø “Children are happy because they don’t have a file in their minds called “All the Things That Could Go Wrong.” –Marianne Williamson
Ø I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Ø Scars are just tattoos with a better story.
P.S. i didnt notice he was in the picture either
YOU ARE READING
Funny Sayings
Randomthe title says it all, these are in fact funny sayings that I've heard and decided to write down. I hope you enjoy, and I really hope I can bring a smile to your face.
