Ø Only in America: Can a pizza get to your house faster than an Ambulance
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Ø Human brain is amazing it functions 24 hours. For 365 days it functions right from the time you were born and only stops when we…. Take exams.
Ø I usually laugh at my own texts before I send them because I rarely say something that’s not hilarious.
Ø I hide behind sarcasm because what I really want to tell you is considered rude in most social situations.
Ø Dog: offer master favorite toy as a token of friendship, throws it.
Ø Its ok if you disagree with me, I can’t force you to be right.
Ø If women ruled the world there would be no wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Ø YOLO backwards Is OLOY “Only Loser Obey Yolo”
Ø When my name is in a math problem Class: Stares at me Me: That’s right I bought 40 cookies then stole 18 more
Ø The reason I look like I’m judging you is because I am.
Ø If you’re sad about being alone on Valentines Day, just remember nobody loves you on any other day either.
Ø Writing the wrong date on my homework so it looks like I did it on time.
Ø Sometimes I wish I were one of my friends for a day so I could see how it is to hang out with me.
Ø I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I’ve stalked you on the Internet.
Ø I’m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question.
Ø Obesity doesn’t run in the family. The problem is nobody runs in the family.
I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds…. People move out of the way much faster now.
Ø If a telemarketer calls, give the phone to a small child and tell them it’s Santa.
Ø I finally found a boy worth keeping, and he was disguised as my best friend the whole time. THERES HOPE FOR BOYS IN THE FRIEND ZONE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
Ø Does the rule “every rule has an exception” Have an exception?
Ø SAY: loast, coast, roast, ghost, host, woast, post, quost, nost, boast. Now what do you put in a toaster? Bread.
Ø I love how in scary movies the person yells out “hello?” as if the killer is going to be like “yeah I’m here in the kitchen do you want a sandwich?”
Ø NO TRESPASSING violators will be shot survivors will be shot again.
Ø I forgot to a get a birthday present. But here is a random stick I just found. You deserve it.
Ø When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free WiFi, just so people will visit more often.
Ø Not sure if I actually have free time or just forgetting everything.
Ø “Don’t worry the spider is smaller than you think” “Yeah… so is a grenade.”
Ø Of course I talk to myself sometimes I need expert advice.
Ø Working everyday to make money to pay others to do stuff that you should be doing yourself but cant cause you work everyday.
Ø Silence is golden, unless you have a toddler. In that case silence is very, very, suspicious.
Ø I’ve never been skydiving but I’ve zoomed in on Google earth really fast.
Ø If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Ø Dear lord, please let there be a zombie apocalypse so I can start shooting everyone I know in the face.
Ø Just learned to tie my shoe, now I have to do it myself for the rest of my life.
Ø I don’t have bad handwriting I have my own font.
Ø I throw lamps at people who need to lighten up.
Ø I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China.
Ø When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plan wearing a superman costume.
Ø My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Ø Life is so much more enjoyable now that I’ve decided I just don’t care.
Ø Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
Ø Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
Ø Rule of math if it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.
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Funny Sayings
Randomthe title says it all, these are in fact funny sayings that I've heard and decided to write down. I hope you enjoy, and I really hope I can bring a smile to your face.
