Ø Reasons to become a bus driver: As long as kids get evenings and weekends off, so will you. You’ll never have to take your work home with you. In fact, it would be illegal. Make money doing what most parents do for free.
Ø Teacher: Look, the equation is simple. If I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other what do I have?
Student: A drinking problem?
Ø Girls are like abstract paintings; even though you can’t understand them they are still beautiful.
Ø Attention Parents: unattended children will be a given a redbull and a free kazoo.
Ø I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Ø Say: Eye
Spell: map
Say: ness
Ø On the one hand, I need to lose weight, but on the other hand doughnut.
Ø When I say I miss school I mean the friends and the fun not the school.
Ø Mom: So what do you want to be when you’re older?
Kid: I’m going to be the first human to land on the SUN!
Mom: But that’s not possible the sun is too hot to land on.
Kid: PFF that’s why I’m going to land at night.
Ø 2+2=fish
3+3=8
7+7=triangle
Only smart people will get this. HINT look at the shapes you can make when you put them together.
Ø Sometimes your knight in shinning armor is just a douche bag in tin foil.
Ø Phone on silent: 10 missed calls, and 15 new text messages
Turn volume up: nothing
Ø A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets… you don’t know where to put your hands.
Ø When I’m sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
Ø Girls are like Google- they start guessing before you end the sentence.
Ø ADMIT IT you have always wanted to taste a krabby patty.
Ø I googled “who gives a F***” my names wasn’t in the search results.
Ø Dear periods, the only reason why I like you is because you are a sign that I’m not pregnant. Sincerely girls.
Ø One does not simply play video games for 30 minutes.
Ø That awesome moment when you come back from vacation and can finally poop in your own bathroom.
Ø He who laughs last… thinks slowest.
Ø My crush y u no stop being so beautiful?
Ø I am using headphones why are you still talking to me?
Ø Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of red rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
Ø Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Ø Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again neither does milk.
Ø Bro tip #161023 Always rmember the 7 qualities for the perfect girl friend: Beautiful, Intellegent, Gentle, Thoughtful, innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in short, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Ø D.R.A.M.A Dumb, Retards, Asking for, More, Attention.
Ø Lazy rule: cant reach it don’t need it.
Ø I want to post a sarcastic comment but I’m scared people will take me seriously and think I’m stupid.
Ø Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
Ø Recent surveys show that 100% of people who drink water die.
Ø I tried my best to see things from your point of view, but your point of view is stupid.
Ø Girls don’t dress for boys. They dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys they’d just walk around naked all the time.
Ø There will always be a song in our playlist, which we always skip, but never delete.
Ø I can melt ice with my mind; just give me a few minutes.
Ø If you were stuck in the last game you played, how screwed are you?
Ø Some kids want drugs, some want alcohol. Honestly, all I want is a good stable Internet connection.
Ø Dear shaving commercials stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, please shave a bear.
Ø Imagine if the last movie you saw was going to happen in real life. How screwed are you?
Ø Proven fact: each morning gravity around the bed is 10 times stronger.
Ø I’m not shy I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Ø Only slept 18 hours yesterday, gotta sleep the whole day tomorrow.
Ø We are all mature until somebody brings out some bubble wrap.
Ø Guns don’t kill people. Dads with pretty daughters kill people.
Ø Some people are like clouds, when they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Ø Have you ever been so mad, you boxed a shark… and won?
Ø Is that your face or today’s Halloween.
Ø If you whip your hair back and forth, you will lose 24 brain cells per whip. Poor willow smith.
Ø Just saw a guy fall off his bike, and look around to see if anyone saw him. I made sure to make direct eye contact with him.
Ø That painful moment when I accidentally bite my tongue.
Ø Hardest part of breaking up with your girlfriend is getting a girlfriend.
Ø I fart in your general direction! Now go away before I taunt you a second time! (How it works in my house)
Ø Boy: is your body from Mcdonalds?
Girl: why, cause your loving it?
Boy: no cause it’s greasy and fat.
Ø Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
Ø Oh wow, you really going to fight me over the internet? What is the worst you can do, caps-lock me to death?
Ø Im not as random as you think I salad.
Ø It’s so quiet in the office today; I can hear myself not working.
Ø Math problems. The only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
YOU ARE READING
Funny Sayings
Randomthe title says it all, these are in fact funny sayings that I've heard and decided to write down. I hope you enjoy, and I really hope I can bring a smile to your face.
