My Anxiety | Josh Dun x Reader

|20- Go On Stage|

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Trigger Warnings: Self harm, bullying, blood, bruises
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Chapter Twenty
Go On Stage
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Josh's Point of View

Long chapter:

I sat in the bathroom back stage, "5 minutes!" I heard a voice yell through the closed door, shit, I clutched my head; the thoughts getting louder. I growled quietly.

DON'T GO ON STAGE

D ON'T GO ON STAGE

D O N'T GO ON STAGE

D O N'T G O ON STAGE

D O N'T G O ON ST A GE

DON'T

GO

ON

STAGE

The white masked men were back; taunting me,

YOU WILL MESS UP AND THEY WILL ALL LAUGH AT YOU

A chorus of laughter followed, and reminders of my teenage years hit me. The embarrassment, the jeering, the slams into my locker, the bruises, the cuts, the bloody scars, the laughing. The laughing was the clearest memory. Running through the corridor, people crowding around me, laughing at me, making me feel so inferior and small; so, so small.

They all seemed to get bigger, I felt like Alice when she ate the shrinking biscuits, shrinking, shrinking.

I was so fragile; fragile like Porcelain, the tiniest tap could break me if you know how to do it properly..

I would stare at myself in the school bathroom mirrors and believe everything they said, I'm too fat, I'm too weird, I'm too nerdy, too-

I remember the blood, the crimson liquid dripping out of the fresh cuts I had made. My body being my canvas, my razor being my paint brush and my blood being my paint.

The dripping sound of the blood falling into the sink, the sink full of blood, my cheeks red and my eyes raw from all of the crying.

I remember staying up all night scared that people would break into my house and beat me, laugh at me, break me...

I ran the tap, and plunged my hands underneath the running water and splashed it to my face, "On in 2 minutes!" The stage director yelled, "Josh?" A familiar call came from outside the bathroom door...Y/N.

I called out for her/him. "Y/N!" I coughed, when the door handle turned and she/he searched for me and found me slouched in the corner of the bathroom, tears rolling down my cheeks, hair a mess, eyes red raw from crying.

She/he knelt down beside me, and whispered, "You're going to be amazing." She/he smiled, pressing her/his lips to my cheek, "I have watched you perform, you'll be brilliant." She/he beamed at me. "But what if I have a breakdown on stage and hundreds of people see it- the audience might leave- I might disappoint them, Tyler- or you!" I complained, "Josh, you will never disappoint me when it comes to your music, you are so talented, it's honestly so beautiful."

"Y/N... I need to show you something." I muttered, looking down at my converses, I slowly pulled up my sleeve, revealing my cuts to Y/N.

Her/his hands traveled up to her/his mouth and a gasp left my girlfriend's/boyfriend's lips.

She/he lightly traced over the cuts, "Why did you do it?" I shrugged my shoulders, I did know, it was just easier for me to say I didn't know, so I wasn't judged. "Josh, do you take me as an idiot! Why did you do it?" She/he repeated, louder than the first time.

"I- I can't go on stage." Y/N looked at me, "Yes you can Josh, yes, you, can!" Y/N smiled at me, "Please, please go on stage." I grinned at her,

DON'T GO ON STAGE

A voice yelled from a small part of my brain, then another voice chased it away,

Please, please go on stage

The white mask men couldn't get to me when I am playing music. Y/N helped reapplying my makeup and made it look like I hadn't cried. "Thank you." I kissed her/his lips quickly, "No problem, now go on that stage and kick those white mask men's asses!" She/he giggled and then ran out.

"Josh?!" Tyler shouted, "I'll be out in a minute!" I replied, recollecting myself; making sure I could breathe and I could calm myself.

I walked out of the bathroom.

The whole way I was looking for Y/N, she/he just took off, I didn't know where she/he was.

I shrugged, perhaps she is already in the wing waiting for you-

I got to the wing and no Y/N to be seen, the lights in the small concert hall which could only hold 12 people in was off, Tyler went to the piano and I went to the drumset.

When the lights flicked on, I saw Y/N next to Jenna, my mum, dad, Tyler's mum and dad, and our siblings. She/he waved at me, "Well done." She/he mouthed to me, grinned, then stuck her/his tongue out. "You'll be amazing." She/he smiled, then Ode To Sleep started.

The last song we performed was Truce, it was a quiet song but a very good song to end on.

"You will die, but now your life is free
Take pride in what is sure to die" Tyler finished as our family and friends went mad, "That was amazing."

Please go on stage.

Now, performing in front of 1200 people, that sentence still fighting off negative thoughts.

Please go on stage.

DON'T GO ON STAGE

Go On Stage

Please go on stage

I am so glad I met Y/N, she/he makes me strong, make me happy, they help me go on stage.

Author's note: sorry it's a really shitty chapter, really am but my right eye is swollen and red, and it's super sore so it had to be a shorter chapter so sorry!

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