Raising a Song 101 [Sequel to Hello Sweetie]

February 19, 2013

Came back from Manhattan yesterday. Turns out I met a River who isn't pregnant yet. I left Brooke with an older her at Amy and Rory's house while we were there. I guess she knew the whole time. I think I'm leaving again soon, though. River can tell. The tension between us is huge after the argument yesterday about her parents. Unfortunately, it's an angry kind of tension, not a can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other kind. I'm back now, though. Even if she's been avoiding me all day, only coming into the room to get Brooke. I don't care what she says about her parents, she should have told me something was going to happen and that Brooke wouldn't see her grandparents again. It's hitting me hard. I'm tired of this. Maybe I should go into retirement soon.

My Brooke is, without doubt, the most amazing thing in the universe next to River. I love them both. It's just hard right now. I want her to grow up with loving parents, not ones that avoid each other. The argument will eventually pass, I know. But Time Lords have remarkable memories, and I don't doubt she'll be able to remember these days when she's older. I've got to take a break. With or without Brooke. I don't know, but I need somewhere to grieve. River needs somewhere to grieve.

'Showing the damage'. I'm tired of that. She's not perfect, and she's vulnerable. I understand that. Her not letting me in isn't working so well with me. I'm her husband, whether she likes it or not. I'm Brooke's father. And I just want to help her. If she won't let me in, how am I supposed to let her in? This doesn't make sense. I don't understand the logic.

The Doctor shut his diary and set down his pen.

She was so confusing. Why did she have to act like that?

In the corner, Brooke woke up from her nap and started crying. He stood up and walked above her crib. "It's all right. You're okay. You hungry?"

Brooke made a noise of agreement.

"I've got her."

The Doctor jumped at the sound of River's voice, and turned around. "Okay."

He watched awkwardly from the side as River picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair, then started to feed her.

"Are we going to talk about this or not?" He finally asked. "Talk about what." She said, not making it sound much like a question.

"This entire time you've been pregnant and had Brooke, you knew what was going to happen to your parents. They're gone now, River." At her sharp intake of breath he continued, "and I'm tired of you hiding the damage. I'm tired of you avoiding me just in case I say something."

She didn't reply for a moment, just watched her daughter eat. "We've been over this. You know I couldn't tell you. You know how this works."

He frowned and put his hands to his temples. "Well, fine. Sure. Let's just forget about you not telling me for now. But 'hiding the damage'? Avoiding me? That's something we need to talk about."

River still didn't meet his eyes. "You've got to grieve. You should. There's no reason to worry about me, I'm fine."

"Don't say that, River. I know what that means. Is it so bad for me to want you to be vulnerable around me? I know you, I get you. I get it. And it would be so much easier for me if you wouldn't bottle everything up."

She stayed silent for a good minute this time before replying. "I'm fine."

He let out a frustrated noise through his nose. "Okay. Sure. Whatever. You want to do it that way, we'll do it that way. You don't want me to help you. Just because you're afraid I can't handle it. I'll tell you what, River." He walked over to her, and knelt down to look her in the eyes, though her head was still down. "I'll leave you alone. Maybe visit Victorian London. I'm sorry you feel like you can't show yourself to me. I can bring Brooke for a little while, too. Let you have a break. Maybe for a day or two. Then I'll come back, and maybe we'll both have cooled off."