Thirty-two

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Everything was stale

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Everything was stale. Nothing felt good or the same anymore. Everything was broken and twisted, bleeding out and torn.

It was Friday after school and I could barely grasp any of the lessons I'd learned that day in class, much less for the entire week.

         Chris, Tremaine and I were the only ones who showed up to school that week. Omari did as well and for once, no one gave him a hard time as we let him in our shared grief.

         I'd only met Troiann's father once and I knew how she felt about the way he'd always done her mother. Marcus had told me how nervous Troiann was over Mr. Jackson trying again with Ms. Nguyen. And now that he was gone, I couldn't even imagine how crushed Troy was. Seeing her scream and cry and deny it for the first twenty minutes tore me a part. I'd never seen anyone in that amount of pain before in my life and it got me. Seeing Cree on the floor crying as well got me. These were my friends and family and they were broken.

         I shut my locker door after shoving my books inside. I didn't care for the weekend's homework. I didn't care for any of it.

         Tremaine caught up with me as I was making my way to the parking lot.

         "You heard from Marc yet?" he asked.

         I shook my head. "Just last night. He said Anh and Mr. Jackson's brother and sister are planning the funeral."

         "And Troy?"

         "He says she's numb. She barely eats, and she and Cree just lay in bed together mostly."

         Tremaine stared off into the distance. "It's weird, you know. I didn't give a shit about either of them in the beginning, but after all this time they're like my sisters. Seeing Troy cry like that, it ate at me."

         "Me too."

         "I'm thinking about heading over there later tonight with Chris, you in?" He held his hand out and I instantly pulled him in for a brief hug and pat on the back.

         "Definitely."

         He took off towards his car and as I made my way to mine I found Draya standing and leaning against it. We hadn't spoken all week. I'd been too out of it to call about the doctor's appointment, something she'd wanted to do on her own anyway.

         As I made my way over to her, I caught sight of a sad smile on her face. She reached out and gave me a hug as I came to a stop in front of her.

         "I'm sorry," she said.

         If only sorry brought people back and fixed all of our problems. If only sorry was worth a damn.

         I pulled back and nodded. "Thanks. Everything okay with you, how'd yesterday go?"

         Draya bit her lip, appearing sadder. "Yesterday was great, DeAndre."

         "What does that mean?"

         "It means we're not pregnant."

         A small amount of relief lifted from my shoulders, but it didn't take away the agony I felt. "What do you mean? It's been months without your period."

         Draya nodded. "It turns out I have a condition where my hormones are imbalanced, and as a result I'm not ovulating like I should. I've gained some weight and I don't know if that helped, but I got my period this morning." She gave a lopsided smile. "My doctor's going to meet with me again to work on a way to treat my PCOS."

         I didn't get it, but I understood the result. "But you feel okay, right?"

         "Yeah, it's also a good thing I didn't take those prenatal vitamins for too long or else I could've made my health worse." She chuckled a sad sound. "They did make my hair grow."

         This moment was bittersweet, as was our smiles.

         I should've felt happy at the news, but after the darkness from Sunday night even this wasn't enough to lift my spirits.

         "I guess we're off the hook, huh?" I reached out and jabbed her shoulder, forcing myself to smile.

         Draya gave me a sad smile of her own. "Yeah, you are. Now you're free to get back to normal."

         "I think it's going to be a while before that happens."

         She got my meaning and agreed. "Dre," she said softly.

         "Yeah?"

         "Just, do me a favor, okay?"

         "What?"

         "Don't get a girlfriend."

         I let out a sound reminiscent of a laugh. "Why not?"

         Now Draya looked sadder. "Because she'll never be able to compete with Cree. I know I tried, but I failed." I went to comfort her as I saw tears in her eyes, but she only moved away. "In the beginning it seemed like we were going to be okay, but then I saw what it was doing to you and to her, and I felt in the way. And now I just feel stupid because you wasted all this time on me and all you got is nothing."

         She started to cry and I pulled her into my arms, holding her close. "It's okay, Draya. Nothing was wasted, I got to know you and vice versa. Nothing can take that away."

         Draya held my face and appeared serious amongst her tears. "I guess this is goodbye."

         "What about a see-you-later?"

         She shook her head. "I'm going to stay with some family. I can't do this here anymore. I can't be with my mom who's negative. I can't be with a boy either. I need to stand on my own." She wiped her eyes and backed away from me. "Goodbye, Dre."

         I watched her walk off without looking back.

         I was free, but again, I felt nothing at the reality that there had never been a baby and I still head a limitless future ahead of me.

         Everything was stale.

         I got in my car and shut the door, but I didn't feel like driving. I didn't feel like doing anything.

         Down in my ashtray sat Cree's CD. Something I'd never allowed myself to listen to.

         Snorting, I shrugged. "What the fuck else can happen at this point?"

         Upon turning my car on I placed the CD into the CD player and let it play. I let Alicia Keys serenade me about not knowing her name. I rolled my eyes at Mary J. Blige singing about Mr. Wrong. I felt tired at Beyoncé singing about her flaws.

         Leaning over against the wheel, I sighed. Cree fucking Jacobs.

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"So Cold" – Chris Brown

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