Love in a Cholo's Life Diary

Freedom of the Speaker

No matter how far

You'll always be my star

Starring down at me every night

While I pray to make things right

I try hard to make you proud

I don't follow the crowd

Because I know who I am

I also know you understand

You protect us from the sky

Where the ocean reflects and I cry

I pray for you and for us

You're in my heart and my soul

I'm here ma

And I know you are too.

Winter Break-Days after V.day

I've been really missin' my mom lately, like there's just hella shit going through my head right now.  I have her picture inside my phone case and honestly I don't even think I could take seeing her.

My Grandparents ^week later^

Today was so hard. My grandparents don't live in their house no more, they live with my uncle Vincete and my aunt Athena (the one that picks me up after school). My cousin Drea' is 18 and her sister Araceli is 21, also live there so its going to be a full house for them.

They're good hearted people but I once remember when they had a difficult household to deal with. When their older sister Chris still lived there, Drea' was rebellious.

When Drea' was in middle school was where she began to follow the wrong crowd. She'd be with a scrap (surenio) but then sometimes she'd be more with nortenios. They would fall for her each time, she had a perfect latina body. Thick in all the right places with long dark brown hair and always looking cute with or without makeup.

Except in her freshmen year of high school, after her Quinceañera, she was drunk in her school's bathroom about to kill herself.

Fortunately, she didn't and I thank God every single day that he didn't take her away.

Anyways, my grandparents live there now they got their own space in the back of the house with a kitchen, room, and bathroom.

Its was a great day though, the house was full with everybody doing there things and helpin' out to settle in my gparents to their new home.

But it was hard for my gparents, they lived in their house for 30+ years. My gpa teared when he had to leave, he's a sweet man, sadly he's very weak from his legs because they're like twigs. He's fallen countless amount of times so since he can't really walk he's in a wheelchair.

My gpa has part of me, he reminds me of my mom sometimes, there's not much resemblance between them but their personalities are there.  His kindness, his relaxed way of living without all the bullshit that comes with it.

When it was time to go, I was still cuddled up laying on my gmas tummy while she prayed her hour long Catholic prayers. She was rubbing her hand on my head sweetly&softly, but my sister walked in the room.

"Bueno Abuelita ya nos vamos e y ya manana nos vemos k (translation: hey gma we're going now but we'll see each other tomorrow)." My sister leaned over to kiss my gma goodbye but instead she held her and broke down crying.

I looked away while tears dripped off my face and I cried silently like always. I couldn't hold it in, all my life I've hated goodbyes. You never really know when the last goodbye is going to be so I make each count.

But fuck, my gparents aren't gonna be right there every morning&night no more.  They're now on the Eastside of this city but we're on the Westside so it takes time to get there.

I'll be with them everyday after school because my aunt's house lives closer to my school since it's in the Eastside as well.  So my aunt won't have to drive me all the way to my gparents house no more.

That's a really good thing but now, so many things are changing.  Its just a little hard to keep with all that's going on but like always, we gotta get our shit together and live with it.

Plus, I got Isaiah right by my side helping me out while I'm helping him out too.  Our relationship has been crazy, but guess what? We're still together.

We feel something wrong, point it out, fight get through that, talk about it and make up.  Its a whole damn cycle that is a process, but we're getting through it.

There's always gonna be other girls on Facebook that might message Isaiah but he knows me.  He knows I've sacrificed a lot to be with him, I lost my sister's trust cuz' of him, she went through my phone and saw Isaiah and mine's sexts...

I've lost Jay, its like she doesn't even know who I am no more. Anyway, even if he knows all my shit, that won't stop him from being untruthful.

Because he's a guy, ya never know.

And I am not gonna be no stupid bitch no more.

He knows I won't stick around to be on the side, he knows I got my values that he might not find anywhere else.

I may not be that perfect confident girl but I'm thru' with my insecurities.

I'm in the process of kissin' em goodbye and move on with myself for the better.