New Beginnings

Chapter 45 : Chances and secret cuts

Chapter 45

A few days later...

Sebastian POV

I was able to pull Alex aside after class. I pulled her into a less crowded hallway.

"Hey. You've been avoiding me. What's going on?" I asked.

"Sebastian..."

"I really like you Alex. And it's obvious that you feel something too."

"Sebastian... I-I don't know what to say..."

"Tell me what you feel. Do you like me?"

Alex sighed.

"Yeah, Sebastian. I do like you. But I can't date you."

"Why?"

"Sebastian, that would completely break Jeff. I can't do that to him."

"What if you're not meant to be with him? What if you're meant to be with me?"

She sighed again.

"Sebastian, please don't do this to me."

"I just want a chance. Give me one chance at dating you. I can show you how much I care about you. I just want to protect you and keep you safe. And cuddle while having movie nights. I love being friends with you, and I want to be more than that."

"Sebastian... I just can't do that to Jeff. I want to, but I can't."

"Then what if we didn't tell him?"

"Sebastian..."

"Please? I just want a chance! I never interfered with you and Jeff after we got over the whole... you know..."

"Sebastian, Nick likes me too. And he's really suspicious about everything. I don't want him to tell Jeff, and have him get hurt. I can't do anything that could make Jeff's mental health worse. I'm trying to help him get better."

"Please. I just want one chance. We'll be really careful. We won't let Nick find out."

I moved closer, and kissed Alex's lips. I pulled away, and stared into her eyes.

"I'm agreeing to one date, ok? One very secret date, understand?"

"Yes. But what if it goes well?"

"Then... we'll see where to go from there."

"So does tonight work?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Cool. Meet me in my room around 7:00?"

"Ok. See you then."

Later...

Jeff POV

Stupid medication... Stupid Alex breaking up with me... Stupid me for being so dumb, and ugly, and worthless, and hard to deal with, and-

"Jeff?"

I looked up from my homework.

"Yes, Nicky?"

"I was going to head down for dinner. Do you want to come?"

"What about Sebastian and Alex?"

"They're busy talking to Blaine about Warbler rehearsals and stuff. They said to eat without them."

"Oh... Well I'm not really hungry..."

"Jeff, you barely ate lunch today. And you skipped breakfast."

"I don't feel well..."

"How?"

"My stomach and my head..."

"Really? Or are you lying?"

"I'm not lying..."

"Then do you want me to go get you something from the nurse?"

"I guess..."

"Ok. I'll be right back."

Nick left. I really wanted to cut, but I knew he'd be back really soon, and I didn't want to get caught. 

Nick came back a few minutes later, and gave me my medicine, which I took without grumbling too much.

"Do you want me to bring you up dinner when I'm done?" Nick asked.

"I guess..."

"Are you going to be alright here by yourself?"

"Yes..."

Nick left. I jumped up, locked myself in the bathroom, and broke one of the razors in the shower. I took the blade out, and sat down on the floor.

I pulled up my sleeve, seeing all my past scars.

I put the blade to my skin, and pressed it down.

One for being ugly. Another one for being fat. One for getting bad grades and failing my math test yesterday. One for stressing Alex out. And 5 more for making her break up with me. 

One for being dumb. Another for being so stupid and scared all the time. And 3 more for cutting because I know I'm not supposed to.

I was crying now, staring at the blood all over my arm. 

I stood up, and rinsed my wrist off, wincing when it stung. 

We didn't have any bandages, so I wrapped my arm in a towel until all the marks stopped bleeding.

When my arm was fine again, I pulled my sleeve down, and put the towel in the laundry at the very bottom, hoping no one would see it.

I left the bathroom, and laid on the bed, feeling miserable. These stupid anxiety pills make me less scared, but now I'm tired and feel like crap all the time.

I guess you could say I'm losing my will to live.

There's really nothing to live for anymore. Alex broke up with me. I know she's still my friend, but now things are really awkward between us. I just feel like she doesn't love me the way she used to anymore.

And it makes me feel so awful inside. I could almost feel my heart hurting.

I ended up falling asleep before Nick came back with my dinner.