The Wish List

It's This Feeling

"Hold on, hold on to me. 'Cause I'm a little unsteady, a little unsteady."

~X Ambassadors

I laid in bed, staring at my ceiling, as the sound of Ty puking his guts out echoed through the empty house.

Once I had finally fought against the half of me that believed he deserved to feel it, I walked out of the room and jogged down the steps to grab a few Advil from the cupboard.

I stopped in the middle of the hall when I saw Tessie holding her stuffed bear against her chest, staring at the bathroom door with tear filled eyes.

"Is Daddy sick?" She whispered, looking up at me.

"Yeah, sweetie." I answered, crouching down in front of her.

"I need you to go in the living room and watch cartoons with Sienna for a while, okay? I'm going to check on Daddy." She nodded and walked by me, her head bowed as if she were trying her best not to cry.

I rapped gently at the door first, afraid to startle Ty. When he didn't answer, I turned the knob and slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me before Tessie could peak in.

He had his face against the cold toilet seat, his shaggy dark hair covering his pale face.

"Ty." I whispered, kneeling down. He groaned in response, not coming even a little close to lifting his head up.

"I have an Advil here. It should help." I touched his arm, tugging it from his forehead. He looked like utter crap. His lips were chapped and just as pale as his skin, his bloodshot eyes had dark circles around them.

"Here." I handed him the Advil and water, swallowing the lump that had begun to form in my throat at the sight of him.

He hesitantly took them from me and tossed them in his mouth, then washed them down with water. He flushed the toilet after a second, his lips pulling back in disgust as he lifted his head back up to look at me.

"Tessie asked if you were sick." I said, making sure he could hear the anger in my voice.

"What? What'd you tell her?" I could see the worry in his eyes, the worry that I was going to tell his four year old daughter about his late night.

"I told her that you were." I replied, "I hope there isn't a next time, Ty, but if there is, I'm not hiding anything from her." I grabbed his tooth brush and paste behind me before handing them over, grimacing.

"There. . . there won't be." He finished brushing his teeth before he went on, "I just. . . never mind, Alyssa. You already have enough shit going on, you don't need to hear my problems too." I moved closer to him, grabbing his hand and digging my nails into it.

"You promised me that you wouldn't leave, that you would stay here with me. Tyler, I'm here for you, too. I can try to help you, even if just getting it off your chest is what you want. I'm here." He nodded, wincing a little at my use of his full name.

He stayed quiet for a few minutes, his eyes shut so I couldn't see any sort of emotion in them.

"They found Maggie's body in some hotel last night." He breathed out, his words catching, "They said she was beaten and raped. She's dead." I felt my eyes widen as his words slowly sunk in, but I didn't say anything.

"I know I shouldn't care, I know that when she was with me, most of the time it was part of her job. But I. . . Tessie wouldn't be here now if it weren't for her. I was the only person on her contact list that they could get a hold of." I kept my mouth shut as I edged closer to him, before pushing his legs a little further apart so I could sit between them, my head resting against his chest.