Kissing in the Rain ☔ ✔

☔️ part 11

When night comes and I'm on my own you should know I chose to be alone

ADELE- "RIGHT AS RAIN"
♪

THE THING WITH rain is it always starts with a single drop. Then there's that period of uncertainty, during which you gauge the likelihood of it actually raining versus the drop being just a fluke.

Quickening my pace, I looked both ways before crossing the empty street. It was already dark and, being Christmas Eve, there was barely anybody left on campus.

Which was why I felt my body freeze when I looked right and spotted Grant walking past the residence grocery store. Instinctively, my fight or flight response kicked in, and I chased after him, my cross-body bag whacking against my hip as I ran.

"Grant!"

I came to a halt as he spun around, a confused look on his face. A sinking feeling pulled at my heartstrings when my eyes drifted to the chocolate and liquor store bags in his hands, and I tore my gaze away from them to meet his gaze.

"Hayden."

"Grant— Merry Christmas. I didn't expect to see you here," I said between breaths. Adjusting the sac of my cross body bag so it was comfortable, I struggled to collect my thoughts. I hadn't planned on encountering Grant so soon, and now here he was. "There's, um, something I need to tell you." I paused, but Grant showed no sign of objecting, so I continued. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not being honest with you and for not telling you Landon and I dated right when I found out he was your cousin. If I were in your position, well, I'd want to know. I just... I know it must seem weird that I dated your cousin, and I was afraid you'd leave if you knew."

Grant's eyes softened as they focused on mine, and I hoped I would get to see much more of them in my lifetime. "I wasn't angry that you dated my cousin, Hayden. I mean, yeah, it's going to take some getting used to, but love isn't always something you choose." Grant's lips pulled into a small smile. "And I love my cousin, but he can be a jerk sometimes. I just wish you were honest with me."

"I know. It sounds really stupid, but I think that by not telling you I thought things would just break down. Eventually we would fall apart and you would leave. I wouldn't have to be the one to break the bad news."

I hadn't thought of it that way before, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I realized they were true. I hadn't wanted to fall in love. When Grant came along, he made it so easy to fantasize that maybe love didn't always have to end in heartbreak, he was just so easy to fall for. But when I'd learned about his relationship to Landon, my newfound hope was crushed, and I reverted to my pessimistic ways. Of course we were doomed to end, and I didn't have to do a single thing but stand back and watch us burn. If I didn't do anything, didn't tell him the truth, things would just fall apart. Fear had me trapped in a state of paralysis in which doing nothing was the easy way out.

"But now I realize that fear— fear of commitment, fear of loss, fear of disappointing someone, fear of the truth—is no reason not to be honest." Taking in a deep breath, I plucked an annoying strand of dampened hair from my mouth. "I really like you Grant. I didn't realize before how much you meant to me, and I'm sorry for not fighting for us, for not being honest. I just want what we had, but I understand if you don't anymore."

And it was true. I was so used to people leaving, of things just faltering beyond my control. It had taken me so long to realize my own self-worth and that I did in fact matter, that I had a say in who I let in my life and who didn't get a role in it because they only hurt me, that what I allowed was what would ultimately be what affected my life and my happiness, and that I didn't need validation from others in order to be happy. Now it was clear to me: as long as I saw value in myself, I would always be valuable, and it didn't matter if others chose to leave. But seeing value in and loving myself also gave others a reason to stay. Just having a little bit of faith could change so much.