The Unconditional Pledge

18 Hannah

"No way!"

My eyes fly open to the noise downstairs. Without thinking, my hand reaches up to touch my lips. The memory of last night hits me, hard and fast. Trying and failing to fall asleep on my bed; listening to one of Jay's voicemails, before finally answering; hearing a small knock on my balcony door and realizing Jay had climbed up a tree and was standing outside my room; and, worst of all, falling asleep against his chest.

I lie awake for a minute, just listening to the voices downstairs. It's humiliating that not only does the entire school now know I had my first kiss at seventeen, but that means they also know I'm a virgin, too. I've led a pretty sheltered life — in fact, a very sheltered life. Even without my parents around, I have four older brothers, all of who scare the living hell out of any male standing within twenty feet of me. That's the reason I tell myself, anyway — my self-esteem's a lot lower than people give me credit for.

I creep out of bed and realize I'm wearing Jay's hoodie from last night. I swap it for one of mine and then tiptoe to the bathroom, listening carefully. I can hear shouting and laughter, mostly that of my brothers — has Jay left already? I try not to think about this as I brush my teeth and yank a brush through my hair.

"And then, when we didn't find her, we hear this little girl wailing from downstairs and it was Hannah," a voice I identify as Spencer's guffaws.

I move down the stairs as quietly as possible, peering out from the landing to see five guys crowded around the kitchen: my brothers, Spencer, Matt, A.J. and Brendan, and at the very left, Jay. Spencer and Matt have already graduated, and A.J. and Brendan go to Fieldbrook Community College. All of them are grinning and talking like nothing is wrong, like Jay didn't just crawl out of my bedroom in the morning. I would have expected my brothers to interrogate any boy who came into my house, even call the police — but that's obviously not the case right now.

"Hannah!" A.J. crows as he pours milk into a bowl. "Eavesdropping again?"

"She used to listen to us talk all the time," Matt explains to Jay, who nods and smirks at me. "Made her feel older."

"I did not," I reply angrily, striding past them to make my own breakfast. By the time I've finally pulled up a chair besides Jay, my brothers are taking turns curiously asking him questions.

"So you've never, ever dated a girl before?" Brendan asks, his eyes wide. All of my brothers have the same shade of green eyes, except me. "You're kidding."

"Nope," Jay says, glancing over at me. I'm guessing he doesn't want to mention Courtney's name any more than I do.

"But you've hooked up with one," A.J. says, smiling again. "A legend at the games can't be a virgin."

"A.J.," I blurt out before I can stop myself, "Jay ... doesn't like girls."

Everybody stops and stares at me. I can hear the clock ticking, the little hand edging its way towards eleven.

"So..." Brendan says, picking up a fork, "our little sister is... your beard?"

Jay coughs. "Uh, no, sir."

That brings out a laugh from them, but it's hesitant. Jay rubs the back of his head, where his hair is sticking up in untidy spikes. "I like your sister," he says finally, "But I also like boys."

Spencer says, "You're saying our sister reminds you of a boy?"

Everybody, including me this time, laughs. The tension dissipates. I lose myself in my own thoughts as the boys laugh and debate over whether football or soccer is better. I like your sister, but I also like boys. The sentence echoes in my head. But I also like boys.

I wonder how that feels. I try to put myself in Jay's perspective: if I liked boys all my life, and happened to, one day, have feelings for a girl, what would it be like? What would I do? But the situation is too hard to imagine. And then, as I bite into my toast absentmindedly, that's also assuming Jay's telling the truth. He could just be saying that so my brothers don't, in fact, beat him to a pulp. Last night could have been a mistake, really — Jay feeling too guilty to say no when I'd asked if he could come over. This realization upsets me more than I expect.

I stand and go to clear my plate at the sink. Jay follows me, which I pretend not to notice. Casually, almost naturally, he slings an arm around my waist. I nearly jump at his touch. "We should go finish our project, right, Greene?"

None of my brothers react. "See you, Han," Matt mutters without taking his eyes away from his phone. Brendan calls from the fridge, "Finish that project with a condom, Hannah," and my cheeks light on fire.

Jay drives us, wind whipping his dark hair back as though it hadn't been messy enough to begin with. He glances over at me more than a few times, his fingers drumming the wheel. "You okay, Greene?" he finally asks at a stop sign. "You've been pretty quiet all morning."

"I'm fine."

Jay pulls up to his house to get his own stuff, and then hops back into the car. I stare out the window as he continues driving, thinking about school today. I'd put on my uniform in a daze and barely eaten breakfast, my stomach too restless to give me much of an appetite. Today, I can tell, is going to be absolute hell. People are going to stare. The words I'll overhear today aren't going to be kind.

We park in the school parking lot, and Jay steps out confidently, no nervousness whatsoever. Two girls walk by, and as soon as they spot me, burst into giggles. "Yeah, keep walking," Jay calls after them. "Nothing to see here."

"Hannah?"

I turn around to see a couple standing a few feet away from us. It takes me a second to put a name to the face — I'm still not completely over how much Ava's changed. Her dark hair is in a high ponytail today, the buttons at the top of her shirt are undone, her blazer is completely wrinkle-free and her skirt is rolled up a few inches higher than mine. There's a boy next to her, too, a tall boy with wavy dark hair and serious hazel eyes I've never met.

"Hey," Ava says. "We need to talk."

I realize we haven't been alone together in a while. Ever since the game, we've both been separated, doing things on our own. I feel a twinge of both guilt and nostalgia thinking about our last sleepover, eating Ava's banana bread and chilling on the sofa. It feels ages ago. "Sure," I say, stepping out of the car. "Later. In chemistry?"

Ava nods and they walk away. Jay looks after them, an odd expression on his face. When I join him at the front steps of the school, he stuffs his hands into his pockets absentmindedly. "So, that's Ava's new boyfriend, then?"

"I guess so. Why?" I nudge him. "You interested in him?"

He rubs his shoulder, looking a little uncomfortable, and laughs. "Nah," he says, nudging me back. "Not my type."

We walk in silence, Jay's words ringing in my ears. "Not my type" could mean two different things. As we pass the front doors, a huge, glittering banner suddenly blinds us. It reads, in giant gold letters, FALL BALL THIS FRIDAY! "Shit," I say. "The Fall Ball's this week."

"Yeah," Jay says distractedly, and I can tell he's thinking about something else.

"Are you going?"

Jay laughs. "Of course I am. I kind of have to." He looks over at me, then back as we walk up the stairs. "You think Ava's going with that guy?"

I stop in my tracks. A few freshmen behind me bump into my back, scowling as they move past. "I don't know," I say. "Why?"

"Never mind. Uh, I've got to run, Greene," he says. "I'll see you in Home Ec, okay?"

Jay turns without waiting for my answer. Ashton catches up with him in the hall, slapping him on the shoulder, and I can hear Jay's booming laugh slowly fade away. As I walk to homeroom, my mind reeling, I pass Ava and the new student in the hall. They don't notice me, both looking at something on her phone and smiling.

I catch a few snickers on the way to my classroom. Once I'm inside, I take out my own phone and stare at the reflection, suddenly feeling very alone without Jay next to me. After a moment, my thoughts part as though I've broken through something, and the realization is clear: Jay wasn't interested in the guy. He was interested in Ava.