Call Me Ella (ft. Niall Horan)

Chapter 35 - Hero

Before you read this chapter there's something I want to tell you: You are the main character of your own story. You are the most important person of your world. It starts with you. So for a change, believe it.

Chapter 35 - Hero

I got something from my conversation with Niall and I don’t mean more heartache. I actually learnt something before it was too painful to stand there in front of him, watching him looking at me with sad eyes, still hoping I would change my mind and I went home without Charlie. I learnt that he was right. On my way back home I thought about it and realised he was right. Rhonda controlled me. That makes more sense than her ever wanting me to be happy and one of the family. And she controlled me many other times.

I've let her control me.

I still believe that Niall is a piece of her game and I don’t want to be part of it, but now I know that I’m still a piece of her game. I thought I was out, I told Niall I was out but that isn’t true. I realised that. I’m still letting her control me at some level because I still live with her shadow haunting me. I still do things because she would hate me to do them.

Now that I think about it I realise that many times I did things just because I knew she would hate me for doing them, because that would piss her off; not because I wanted to do them. And I refused to do other things because that would mean to do something she’d like to, not because I really didn’t want them to do.

Being with Niall is that, her choice. And I’m not sure anymore whether I’m really choosing or if I’m letting myself being controlled. It’s likely that if I go back to him and ask him to take me back, I’d be doing that because that’s what Rhonda didn’t want me to do from the beginning, that’s why she manipulated me, as Niall said. And if I choose not being with him, is it because I really don’t want to be with him or because he’s part of Rhonda’s game?

In my mind I see a big board that she controls. The retreat centre was the centre of the board and every guest is a piece she’s ready to use. Every celebrity outside is a plausible piece. Jenny and Kimmy are pieces… and I was a piece. I’m that piece trying to run away, not to be disposed.

I’m having problems figuring out whether I’m still on that board or not.

It was so clear before, I was so sure that I was free and over with her, but Niall made me realise I’m not and that I still have things to sort out. I’m not out of the game because I won, because she’s still playing. I don’t know if I can stop her, but I can take myself and step out of her game. For real, facing her.

That’s why I ask Charlie to take me to the retreat centre the next day. He doesn’t understand what I’m doing, especially why I didn’t go back to Niall if I know that breaking up with him is what Rhonda wanted me to do. He’s as used as I am to do things that Rhonda doesn’t want me to do and this is a big step I’m taking.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to tell her once I get there, I just know I have to face my nightmares. I have to face that monster that I have for a stepmother. This is something I need to do to cut all the threads she has on me. I’m not free, not really free, until I do this. This is the dragon I have to slaughter to be my own prince.

Not Niall, myself. I have to be my own hero.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Charlie asks stopping his truck at the entrance of the complex.

“No,” I say shaking my head and with my hand ready to open the door. “I need to do this alone.”

My best friend nods and gives me a hug before I get out the truck and walk directly to Rhonda’s office. I know some employees are surprised to see me. I’m surprised to be there again.